I will possibly delete this, but currently I need a place to store the anger. It’s been a rough week for me. Super stress/anxiety/life. And it’s probably because I keep all of these emotions inside for the most part. I’ve been feeling extremely alone. I have no one left in this sad little city anymore. I’m hoping to change that once school begins and step out of myself and try and experience friendships, but I have two weeks of ‘lonely torture’ so please stick with me! ‘This too shall pass’. 🙂
On the good days I will still say he is my best friend and I’m glad we can live together and get along. But today isn’t one of those days. This week hasn’t been one of those weeks. And I wish it was next year and I was accepted to Japan and I could be a whole world away from him.
It’s weird… when I’m hurting, for some reason it makes me feel better if the person that hurt me does something with their life. Like…they proved that I was simply a burden. That letting me go really did improve their life. Maybe because my whole life the ones I love have always left. That’s just what I always believe now. Everyone’s life is better with out me. I’m just a soul that drifts past and fixes their rough patch, and then I am no longer needed.
But he’s not doing anything. He’s all talk. As always. The past couple months I was led to believe I was holding him back. I was stopping him from accomplishing his dreams. When he left me it was almost a relief. Like I didn’t have to feel bad for holding him back anymore. But now I just feel used and lied to. Because the real reason I was left was for him to enjoy every night out with friends and girls, drinking and doing whatever happens to be at the party.
My bad for ever keeping him from such a life.
I don’t like to feel hatred. It’s such an awful emotion and you can literally feel it sap every amount of energy out of your body. I don’t want to feel that anger. I don’t want to hate someone I thought I was going to be with forever. It only makes the past six years feel like a waste. That’s what it feels like. I wasted so much and lost so much of myself for yet another person that doesn’t care.
The remainder of this year I want to prove to myself that I don’t need anyone. But in a healthy way. I want to reach out and try to hope I’ll make friends that actually care about me. I don’t mean literally stick to myself. It’s what I tend to do, but I want to proven wrong about friendships since I was proven right in love.