Attacking Thoughts

I want to love you like I did before… Will that ever happen again? Who fucked all this up? Was it me? Was it you? I believe it was you.

Does it matter? Can I get over this? It’s for the best… That’s all I know.

But it hurts so much. It hurts watching you act like nothing’s wrong. It hurts watching you drink and party your nights away. It hurts hearing girls names cross your lips. It hurts knowing soon you’ll be far away.

I’m so torn between hating you and hoping things work out. I don’t want to be your victim anymore. Every few years it’s the same. Will you always be this way? Was our relationship always just a game? You know I like to suffer… Is this another test? I won’t give in… I won’t give in…

I see you in your cluttered room across the hall and wonder how it became this way. Two separate paths… Next year I may be on the other side of the world. Will I still be holding onto this? Will I lose myself to loneliness?

Because all I feel is constant emptiness. I really am alone. This usually doesn’t bother me… But despite everything, you made me fool whole. I think that forever I’ll hate men because they don’t think before they fall. I gave you so much warning, but men just like that challenge. I’m not something that can be conquered or forgotten. I bring so much joy. But I hold too much sadness for anyone to be more than a friend.

I always though that’s how I would live my life… Maybe I’ve been right all along. I never listen to myself enough. I have to keep telling myself I’m strong.

I’m doing better than I thought I would… But I can’t lie and say every inch of me doesn’t hurt.

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