I thought now I could sit and write a bit about break ups, since you all know I’m currently dealing with one. I’m not sure how long it’ll be, or if it’ll make much sense, but I will do my best!
To give a little background, I never thought I’d have a serious relationship. Ever since I was a little tot I always just assumed I’d be alone. I’m not sure why I felt this way… Then, and I guess even still now, I have a sense that those who you care for most will always leave you. Depressing, I know, but it’s all I’ve known really. I don’t think it’s sad. It’s just as I said, what I know. So I’m honestly okay with it.
When I had my first boyfriend it only lasted a week because I was completely terrified. He was so nice to me! So I ran away scared to death of ever letting someone be close to me. Then I met Shad and something just felt different. Then he put me through a bit of trouble, but for some reason I still wanted to pursue him. I thought that the fact that I was willingly to ignore what happened that had to mean I really loved him.
And so, I always tried to move past the not so great things. Because it’s what I do in life. People can hurt me all they want to, and yet, here I am still, holding onto them the best I can because I don’t want the ones I love to leave. But I’m learning it shouldn’t be like that.
I always thought that if I ever lost Shad that I wouldn’t be able to cope with it. I took a big risk with myself getting serious with someone. It’s not something I ever wanted, but I did it anyway. I’ll admit, some days I do sit around and wish I hadn’t. I wish I would have listened to myself and I get a little down about all the time I wasted. But what I’m trying to focus on is all that I’ve learned.
I long for so much more for MYSELF. I have never longed for myself before. I’ve always wanted what would make everyone else happy. But now I see that I just want to travel and express who I really am. For the first time since I was a wee little thing I feel like the person I am is starting to show more. I think I’ll always be insecure and sad on the inside. That’s my nature. But I want to be comfortable and unapologetic for those things.
I guess it is important to be able to share things with someone, but that doesn’t mean you need a relationship, and it doesn’t mean you should let a relationship define you.
Spend a week max eating ice cream from the carton and crying. But then pick yourself up! Because there is so much in this world to be seen and experienced. Follow your dreams and you’ll realize, in a good sense of the phrase, all you really need in this life is yourself.