It’s hard to admit defeat. It’s nearly impossible to admit you’ve been broken. But then there are those odd people like me, who for some reason take incredible pride in being hurt. We made it through something right? We were able to feel something so incredible, so challenging, so raw. Yeah… the initial blow may leave us staggering, but it’s only momentary. We know that nothing lasts forever.
People say you never get over your first love. But how do you even define your first love? The first boy you kiss on the playground? The handsome celebrity on t.v? The first person you share your complete self with? I was never able to answer that question. To know anyone, to care about anyone, is an extreme gift. Though I honestly feel that those I care about will 100% always let me down, I can’t deny the feeling of having cared.
How do you get over those you have met though? Does it ever happen? I can still recall a boy whose name I do not remember trying to play a game of ‘show you mine, show me yours’ before I even began school. And though I can’t put a face to him anymore, nor a name, I still wonder some days; how are you?
I feel like we never really forget people. They are simply pushed away some place. But then you have those stronger memories that live with you everyday. Almost as if you are re-living the same moments. When do those go away? I remember so clearly hurting the first person that claimed to love me. I don’t believe this is something that will ever dull in pain.
But I flourish from that. At moments it’s almost depressing. To say things like, this was my one shot to believe in something I had never believed in before. It hurts a little to say that I will never give someone the chance to know me this way again. People believe that time heals all, but I feel some things are like severe wounds. They fester. And I’m not afraid to admit, no matter how awful it sounds, that I never believed in things like true love, and now I know for sure it simply does not exist in this world for me.
What do you think love is? A random spark for a stranger walking down the street? That indescribable connection when your skin accidentally touches? Maybe it’s that first kiss where for once in your life you feel safe and warm and content. Maybe it’s all of those things and more.
I’m a person who falls in life. I fall hard and take pride in pulling myself up, putting together all the little broken bits of who and what I try to think I am; if I am anything at all. Which is why when it comes to love, falling is all I will ever know.
I can meet your eyes and fall in love with the way the sun reflects so brightly from them. I can see your hair blow through the wind and imagine how soft it would be between my fingers. I could imagine the way our lips would meet and the things we would talk about beneath the stars on the cool beach. I can even shudder at the thought of you learning all my secrets and having to hold me while I cry in momentary weakness.
But that’s all I know. How to let someone see me in the same way… how to make my feelings of weakness last… those are things I will never know.