Two in the morning has become my regular.
The normal moment I look at the clock and think, ‘what am I doing?’ Just last week I thought I had it all figured out. I will study Japanese and go to Japan. I will teach there some day. I’ll travel. I’ll learn. I’ll enjoy.
This week hasn’t been the same. There is so much I want. So many things I want to do.
Here I am at 2 a.m. again… thinking… How will this year be? How will being a separate person be?
Honestly, I’m not as fucked up as I thought I would be being ‘single’. It has it’s rough moments, but I’m trying to believe that this will allow me to become the best me. It’s so fucked up. I’m torn in between feeling confidence and feeling utterly lost.
It’s 2 a.m. and I’m wondering… Will I make something of myself? Will my financial aid come through? Will Shad completely move on? Will I completely move on? Do I hate him? Do I hate myself? Will I find people who love me?
Right now, I simply want to make videos.
Constantly I’m thinking about making videos. Will people like me? Will people support me?
I always want to film… Maybe to mask my problems. Or maybe now that I have nothing else, I realize I can focus on something I’ve always been a bit scared to do.
I don’t know.
It’s 2 a.m. again, and as usual I don’t know.
Join me on YouTube or Tumblr if you’d like.
Tumblr : carryonmyheart.tumblr.com