Perhaps I shouldn’t write this here… Though I guess I’ve mentioned this all to Shad before so it shouldn’t matter. But I got a call from my very best friend today. We’re odd friends. We don’t really talk, and when we are in front of one another it’s 9 times out of 10 completely awkward. Perhaps because he loved me once. Or at least love in the sense of high school romance.
Seems a bit personal really to share… but I just feel like writing about it because I’ve realized something pretty important I think.
A lot of times my friendship with this person has caused some stress in my relationship with Shad for insecurity issues or what not. My best friend was the first person that ever made me feel like someone could love me. Unfortunately at this time I was very low on myself. I dated him briefly, and by briefly I mean it probably doesn’t count at all, but still longer than my one mates 8 hour boyfriend. Still, he liked me for a long time. But I’ve always trusted my gut. Something told me that he would be my first love. We’d have a great time in high school, but college would come, he would cheat on me, and I would be crushed into forever believing dating wasn’t for me and I shouldn’t have given him a chance. I always believed and still do believe that I’m a bad person to love. Loving me might be easy, but being in a relationship with me is a burden that I never wanted to put onto anyone in this world. Dramatic enough?
So my best friend met this amazing girl and they are happily married, and I’m happily grateful for this wonderful girl in my best friends life. I can talk to him about anything still and I feel we helped each other grow a lot through out those awkward high school years. Even in these random moments we are able to talk. He has a way about him that sheds light in my dark situations and he somehow with out knowing it reminds me that it’s okay to be me. After all, he loved me when I felt no one else did. And I’ve always felt bad about feeling so strongly for my best friend, because it’s not a romantic love, but it’s love none the less, and I would die for him no questions asked.
Yet, for the first time today, I realized there isn’t a reason to feel guilty at all. I’m very lucky. To have this person in my life, and to also have this amazing boyfriend. Shad’s learning so much right now. And I am too. And I’m so incredibly overwhelmed with all that is changing and how we are all growing.
And the fact that no matter how awful I feel about myself sometimes, there are still these rare people who seem to just in their own ways get me… that, that truly means the absolute world to me.