(May have spoilers.)
Typically I don’t buy books that are in their “hype” moments, but this has been a book I’ve been meaning to read before it was converted to a movie, so I guess I’m a little behind the game. This isn’t a review or anything, just thoughts I felt throughout the book, (which I read in four hours by the way.)
To be honest…I didn’t like it until things turned for the worst. It was very…typical to me. But it did what a book should do and it made me think.
It of course talks about death a lot and certain feelings towards death, and though I don’t think I’m dying, it made me question a lot in my life.
I’ve been back and forth a lot lately on how I want to be. Do I want to be heard and remembered, or do I want to be a shadow and be forgotten? Honestly, I believe we’re forgotten. All of us. When I stop at graveyards and read dates I wonder how long it’s been since someone read that name. How long has it been since someone brought flowers or even thought of that person?
I decided a long time ago I wouldn’t leave anything like that behind. I would die, be burned, and my ashes tossed some place. No grave marker; no name left behind. And finally I wouldn’t exist anymore.
But then I think about my feelings sometimes in my living life. How I always wish I had something important to say. How I wish I could make a lasting impact on someone. Why can’t I make a difference? I wonder sometimes.
In the grand scheme of things, what does my existence matter?
I think everyone wonders that sometimes.
I’m a loner. I pass the time entertaining myself. Painting, watching movies, reading, attempting Japanese. I like this aloneness. Yet sometimes I glance longingly at my phone wondering why no one calls. It’s because I’ve chosen this of course. Everyone knows I don’t drink wildly and at some point I will leave unnoticed in what they call my ninja way.
Yet, it would be nice to feel included. I guess that’s the hardest part about being an introvert. It’s hard to find friends that understand and accept the way you work. The few friends I do have that understand don’t live near me. I feel like this sounds sad… but I’m not meaning it to. Just thinking really.
I always wonder sometimes if I’ll be like a character in movies. Somehow I’ll meet this small group of people that just change my life and open my eyes to what real friendship should be and open my heart into letting people know me and care about me. Actually believe I can rely on others and be what myself is. I hate when movies do that. Like, why do those characters have to change?
Even in The Fault in Our Stars, Hazel changes that way. Is it wrong to be alone? Of course it comes with its own burdens, but is it something to feel ashamed of? I honestly don’t think I would care if I didn’t feel that others cared.
I think it’ll be one of those things I’m never for sure of. I can only hope to keep moving forward and try my best to smile for myself.
I have a new book to start soon! I miss reading, so I’m hoping to do a lot this summer. I’ll try and wait a few days for this next one though so I can hold off on buying new ones.^^
Thank you for reading!