I feel like it’s been a bit since I wrote. Finals are upon us. At the end of every school year it always seems I have some sadness mixed in with the sheer delight of the end of the semester.
I think this year is a little worse. I’m realizing that everything will change in the months to come. I’ve been fighting my anxiety back the past couple of weeks, and I hope that these changes will turn from anxiety into happiness and growth.
I’m realizing that soon I’ll be starting what I’ve always wanted to do; Learn Japanese. When I first decided this, I was only excited. But now that it is real, I find myself scared of failing. What if I’m no good at it? What if I can’t keep up? What if I can’t get a job with that degree? Etc. When I first started with the battle of anxiety everyone just said ‘do what makes you happy’. But finding happiness brings stress too.
No one wants to fail on something they feel passionate about. I scold myself all the time because I haven’t had any ambition lately. I’m just…tired. Between school and dealing with the dramas of other people, I am just exhausted. But I don’t want to complain.
I keep trying to just look at the sky. I find so much happiness when I look to the sky. Even if just for a moment, I can smile and forget everything I’m worried about. Looking at the sky makes me feel like there is a place for me out there somewhere and that I will accomplish something.
So for now I will keep trying to reach my best with the sky to guide me.