Wandering Thoughts

I’m feeling thoughtful today so I felt like making a post. It’s probably because I watched this Japanese movie last night… In English it’s called, “I give my first love to you”. Talk about ripping your heart out! I cried pretty much the whole movie!

But I guess today I’m in one of my moods. One of those “I will seize the world” kind of moods. I like these moods because everything seems possible. I get so optimistic about all the things I hope to accomplish it’s like I don’t have time to come up with excuses and doubts. I wish I could always be this way. But I feel like every day I get a little stronger.

You guys have really been there through it all haven’t you? I started this blog I think almost exactly a year ago now. Just as my anxiety and self worth started to reach an unavoidable point for me. Most of the time I don’t feel as if anything at all has changed. I don’t feel any different. But in moments like this I can realize; I’m come a long way.

I’m pushing past my fears and insecurities and doing my best to land this second job. I think I’m going to get it…but hopefully I’m not being too optimistic. ;3 I get to register for my Japanese courses in ten days. And even though I’m still working on not lounging around feeling sad, I can smile to myself a lot more.

I can’t say I’m a happy person. But that’s just me. And my biggest struggle this past year has been to accept myself. The fact that I can still smile to myself no matter what I’m feeling; I’m grateful for that. To be a happy person isn’t my goal. I just want to be a happy me.

I used to try so many things not to have think about myself. Fights with the boyfriend. Distractions with my friends crazy lives. Let’s not talk about my coping methods in high school! And I had even thought maybe I should be like everyone else and pop out a baby so I could take care of them instead of myself.

But I’m realizing now that sometimes we simply need to focus on ourselves. It hasn’t been easy since I have relationship and pets; I can’t say I can really solely be selfish and focus on myself; but taking more time to sort out my own hopes and dreams has been nice. I still have a long way to go, but despite any negative moments, I’m really glad for how far I’ve come the past year.

Thank you for following me on my short journey so far!

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