お父さん

I’m thinking of doing a video related to this topic soon, but until then I really wanted to vent on here I guess. Being able to let out my emotions through writing or drawing really helps me let things go.

I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately and how much I miss him. Not only in the I never get to see him sense, but the person he used to be too. I suppose it’s complicated to explain. As much anger and hurt I have toward my growing up life, I don’t like to bad talk enough to fully get the whole story across.

I guess in short, my dad and step-mom weren’t the worst parents on the planet, but through my eyes they were very unfair and cruel. I hold a lot of hurt from them and now as I’m learning to be myself I have to figure out how to draw that line letting them know that, this is my life. I don’t have to obey you anymore.

I wrote my dad a letter explaining my feelings. I went to visit Wednesday and he hurt me a bit by trying to claim they pay so many bills for me (when they pay none) and that he was pissed I got a dog (when he’s the one who encouraged me to.) My dad often speaks to me this way every time I visit at least in the beginning. Simply because I get bad mouthed a lot by some other people. But always by the end of my visits he is back to the dad I know and suffered so much for.

It hurts that he has to be so two-sided when it comes to his daughter. And I suppose I’m really upset about it because I realize that now I need to do what’s best for me. And I believe that means less trips home (when I already don’t visit often) and when I do visit, I won’t be staying at their house. It’s not like I have a bed or feel welcome anyway.

I don’t think parents understand how much their kids just want them to support and love them sometimes. Despite all the hurt feelings my dad has given me since he re-married, I’ve never once stopped hoping he’d be the person I know he is. And it always hurts.

Image

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