Warning: Sad Thoughts

I know…how can I follow a Halloween post with a sad rant…

I’ve been listening to slow Mayday Parade songs on repeat while texting my little step sister. She let me know she’s going to the doctor on Friday to get checked out. She’s been having panic attacks and feeling depressed and having just bad anxiety in general.

Though I wasn’t excited to have kids move into my home when my dad and step mom got together, Caitlin has been a blessing in disguise for me. She was two years old when I met her. I always describe her as a curly haired angel. She really looked one. Kind of reminded me of Shirley Temple if you watched her when you were little.

Caitlin and I shared a room until I moved out for college, so we shared tons of secrets and always supported one another.

A lot of things in our lives weren’t right in our eyes. Both of us have gone through things that no one should have to go through. Like me, she has tried so hard to keep everything locked away, but it’s eaten her up until now. She’s let some secrets out, and now she can’t breathe.

It really truly breaks my heart… I feel all of my siblings were such beautiful, beautiful people. Why did life have to make them this way?

Can’t life let good people, stay good people?

I would take all four of their pains if I could, and they could be happy; no scars.

Are we all monsters inside? Do we deserve this?

Do people deserve to suffer?

I know and believe there is good. There is so much to smile and live for. But I can’t help be angry sometimes…

I can deal with my own problems, but when those I hold so dear to me have to deal with the same pains…They can’t stand who they are or how they think. They question their lives…Everyone turns their backs. No one was there.

I’m terrified to have a child one day. Be in charge of someone’s life… You need such a precise balance. But you never know what you will do or say that will scar someone forever. It could be as small as forgetting a bed time story just one night.

It’s not fair how fragile a good soul is.

Everyone reading this, who may feel the same way, who may feel like nothing matters…Maybe it will always feel that way…But please, always find something to smile for. Everyone’s courage, everyone’s strength… It helps so many people, and it gives me a reason to hope to. So many people are fighting. I want to fight beside everyone.

We can change this cycle of sadness. Maybe not for ourselves, but for the future.

Thank you all for being such a support to me. It’s only been a few short months since I’ve began sharing these kinds of things, but you have all helped me grow even if it doesn’t seem like it.


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