I really haven’t done too much exciting things lately… Honestly I have been spending time getting to re-know myself. Hopefully soon Shad and I will be getting Pumpkins and I can upload a video, but until then all I’m really focused on is finding myself.
As I hinted on in my last post, it seems to me that happiness gives me anxiety. Weird right? Isn’t happiness something everyone wants? How I look at it though is; if I’m not suffering and struggling, what am I living for?
That is how I have always felt. So I think now, things are rough, but there isn’t anything I can truly feel ungrateful about. I don’t think my mind knows how to process that, so I panic when I feel real happiness.
A lot of things in my life are changing right now. Some things I am pretty sad about… but at the same time I’m excited too.
I don’t want to go into too much detail to spare the feelings of people and to also keep a little of my personal life, well, personal.
Basically, I am my number one focus for the first time since probably Kindergarten. I want to be at peace with happiness. Of course still accept that there are days where everything seems it is falling apart; but feeling happy isn’t anything to be ashamed of. It isn’t something to feel guilty about.
Perhaps it’s because the full moon is coming; but the past few days; minus a few hiccups; have been pretty good for me.
I think the biggest thing about learning to deal with anxiety is learning to accept that sometimes you just need to focus on yourself. I know it’s hard…It seems like the most selfish thing to do in my opinion.
But as I’m dealing with myself and my relationship with others; I realize that by focusing on myself I am also allowing and accepting others to grow into who they are as well.
It’s all about balance. I’m hoping mine will come in good time.
It’s not my nature to be optimistic… but I feel kind of hopeful.
~Thank you for following this journey with me.