I guess I’m in one of those funks… I’m not upset, or unhappy. Truthfully I feel kind of content, but my anxiety isn’t.
It’s always so weird because mentally I don’t feel anxious, but physically I do. I feel most of my anxiety in my chest. It feels either like it’s being squeezed, or sometimes just sharp pain. I know it’s nothing heart related since that all got checked out when I first started having anxiety. It had gone away for awhile and it’s back now.
I suppose it’s just the stress of school picking up. Or I’ve started falling back into hold habits such as needing to right out everything I plan to do. I LOVE writing out goals. Too much! I made a list yesterday trying to think of how I may schedule my courses for the next two years… Why is that necessary? But I enjoy it. Still, I think it stresses me out. It’s okay to plan things out, but you still gotta leave room to go with the flow!
I also think a great deal of my anxiety comes from actually feeling good. I guess I’ll get semi-personal here. In general I’ve learned to expect the worst. I’ve learned happiness is only a moment, it’s not a life. Things like that. So I think sub-consciously when I’m feeling like everything is under control and my life is “happy”, my mind panics and probably assumes I’m too comfortable and I need to put my guard up.
How weird is that? It’s actually really sad to me… To not be able to accept happiness. And I wonder how many people have to face that about themselves. Are a lot of people out there that feel that way? And what made them feel that way? I always want happiness for everyone; even at the cost of my own. Realizing these feelings in myself makes me think about all of those others.
Even if I can’t accept my own advice, I want all of them to know; it’s okay. You deserve to be happy. You’re life doesn’t have to be full of so much pain. It’s okay to let go. It’s okay to move on. It’s okay to let people know that they have hurt you. It’s okay. You can smile. You can feel the sunshine on your skin. You can dance and twirl, and it’s okay!
If your heart is telling you to enjoy life, enjoy your life! Don’t be afraid.
You’re finally feeling all of those things you’ve been longing for.