The past several days, maybe the past week and a half… I’m honestly not sure anymore; have been a little…blah.
I try not to think or talk of my anxiety as a negative thing in order to keep it from bringing me down, but sometimes it catches up. Especially since the attacks are always when I’m feeling my best. But I’m still trying to fight on…What else can I do?
This whole thought of happiness… not to sound like a freak… but it seems so odd to me. I of course can’t say I’ve never been happy, but happiness never really was a goal of mine. I just wanted people to proud of me, and I wanted to be proud of myself. I never thought of gaining happiness from it.
It kind of seems like a dangerous thing to aspire for. If you never feel like you reach it, what else is there to hope for with your life? But then again, happiness is all in how you look at things. That’s what I’m trying to focus on. Things are as they are. If it is something you cannot change, it just is. If it is something changeable, then work to change it. Other wise don’t be so harsh on yourself about it.
But even being neutral to life gets confusing. It feels like numbness… So then I question…Am I doing this wrong? Am I coping the wrong way? But I don’t truly believe there is a right or wrong way. We each find our own path. Sometimes a path can be easily found, sometimes you just stumble into it, but sometimes you must carve it yourself.
I want to start carving my own path. I want to do what I believe might make me happy. I think I have a lot of choices I need to make. Even though I’ve come so far working towards one degree, and haven’t ever taken a Japanese class; I believe I might switch to majoring in Japanese and minoring in Biology. To be honest… I only want a Biology degree to be around animals. In truth, I don’t even need a degree to do what I want. I could leave tonight with equipment and film nature and follow wolves and not have to be in debt. I don’t think I need to torture myself through all these classes I hate to follow that dream.
But I do really want to learn Japanese, and having a degree would boost my self esteem. Paying for classes I truly want to be taking makes it seem a little more worthwhile, don’t you think? I want to learn as much as I can about the language and the culture. And since Shad and I would both love to live in Japan for at least a little while my knowledge would help me a lot. Maybe I could teach some English while Shad works his real big boy job.
Who knows! I don’t want to always stress about the future. I want to enjoy the now. I want to be present. I want to find more moments of happiness. I want to not feel controlled by anxiety and the pain it can cause both mentally and physically.
Also! This week Shad and I should be paying for our puppy! There should be a couple of litters born in November, so we should have him in January! The people seem so nice and loving of their dogs and puppies, I’m glad I found them instead of going through a big name breeder that just mass produces puppies. I feel better waiting knowing all the animals are in good care and get plenty of love.
Take care everyone, and remember, no matter what, this is your life. It’s never to late to take it by the reigns no matter how hard you struggle.