As you all know I’ve been dealing with some stressful moments.
But I’m trying to focus on the good that I’ve been learning. How much I’m trying to grow.
I think learning to accept myself is the biggest challenge of my life. Will I ever stop feeling insecure? No, I don’t think so. Will I ever stop trying to be “perfect”. Of course not. Those are what make me, me. However, I can learn to accept them as positive traits, rather than issues that hold me back.
It’s really hard…For me to push on as if the world is spinning and my life is truly in my own hands. To pretend that everything is fine. I’m not even sure when I’m pretending or what is real anymore. But I think it’s a start.
I have so much still I need to work on. I have so much self building I must do. But part of me is actually beginning to be excited about it. I’ve always been scared to find myself… I know when I was a tot; before I became so broken down; I could be a brat.
But that’s just it…Even if I am a brat. Even if I am quiet. Even if I don’t pretend something I find boring amuses me. I can’t deny I truly believe I’m a kind person.
I was constantly told I was a bad person. Constantly told I was manipulative, selfish, a bitch. I hadn’t even reached the age of ten yet. I hadn’t even had the chance to grow and discover myself before it was pointed out for me.
But looking back…maybe sometimes I was those things…But I was always there for people. I was always a shoulder to cry on. I was always there to give advice and a helping hand.
I don’t want harsh words like that to continue to hold me back.
I want to grow.
I want to be the misunderstood, quiet, shy, slightly mean, sarcastic, animal loving, big hearted, untrusting, artistic, poetic, mysterious person that I believe I was always meant to be.
I want to trust in myself. I want to believe in my decisions. I can never cut certain things out of my life, but I don’t have to let them rule me.
I want to accept that I can carve my own path like water.
I’m terrified. But I think I’m ready.