Learning and growing is difficult, isn’t it? But it’s something that stays constant. We’re always learning and growing. Usually we learn and grow from harsh things. But those are usually the best lessons right? I want to keep growing no matter how much it hurts.
While snapping pictures I accidentally made a story.
Sometimes we meet people that we have an unexplainable feeling for, some sort of instant connection I guess. They trust you, you trust them. But when two people are hurting for whatever reason, the outcome is never good. Someone always falls in what people call love I think. Humans are pretty weak with feelings when they’re vulnerable, aren’t they?
But I think with each time we shatter, if you’re growing anyway, each time becomes easier. You stop seeing the faults in yourself and solely focus on the faults of the situation. No one is wrong here. You can only blame human emotions. This hasn’t exactly come into a clear concept for me. Do we hate humans for being human? “I’m only human” has always sounded like an awful excuse. Yet, at the same time, that is admitting, “I’m weak”.
So, where do you go from there? You can only try to notice the light that shines through.
Because no matter how often we fall down, the sky is still there, offering sunshine on the days we need it most. Offering guidance into the world. Giving us a sunset to chase into tomorrow. So… we keep pushing forward. What else in this world do we have besides ourselves and our need to push forward?
For me, I will put my faith in the sky. I will draw my strength from the sky. I will love the sky the way I wish that I could love people. I will trust the sky the way I wish I could trust others. Because the sky is always there. No matter the gloomiest days. I think we all need something we can believe in.
How long has it been since I posted one of mine photography months? Ages… So I collected some from the past few months to give you an insight to my not so interesting life lately.
As Spring and Winter fought this year, we’ve had a lot of rain/ice days. This picture happened one day when I was feeling particularly down. My bed is under my window now in a shallow attempt to feel closer to a dream I have, and sometimes I get wonderful views.
As I grow into my own person my style has been changing recently. A lot of times I want to dress a certain way, but don’t because I worry too much about what others think of me. But some days, like presentation days, I’m forced to go out of my comfort zone. I can still be a brat about it. ^^
But Spring is upon us! The sun began to shine brighter and brighter, and holy cow we are in the 40 degree range now! ;3
This past weekend I celebrated two birthdays for my friends. My Japanese friends are always cooking, and this past weekend I was able to try Japanese curry for the first time! I’m always surprised how good everything is!
Back in, November?, I got my passport! I’ve always wanted one because it feels like you aren’t trapped in your country. Now that I finally have it my urge to travel grows more and more. I can’t wait to enter Japan! While in Japan I hope I can also visit South Korea. There are so many places in the world I hope to experience and learn from.
And speaking of dreams, my model inspiration tweeted me not too long ago! I love taking photos, even if some people think it’s odd to take so many of myself. If I ever got the chance, I’d drop everything to model for awhile.
The moon the past few months has been strong and causing me restless nights… I did mention before I’m a werewolf/vampire hybrid right?
As for Novu…Well… he is still Novu.^^ I’m becoming sad as I get closer to the time where I will no longer be a mom to all my pets. I feel kind of like a failure in that area.
I can’t remember if I ever said I got to try takoyaki (twice now). It is my favourite thing! I will probably become fat while in Japan because I crave it allll the time!
And of course school… I changed my minor to International Business, which has been a blessing not studying Biology. I’m eagerly awaiting summer classes so I can solely focus on Japanese.
So nothing much with me has changed. Still school, still weird, still emotional me. But I am becoming more excited to share my travel experiences with everyone. Of course I am nervous, but I think excitement is trying to mask that most days. As the summer and nicer weather approach hopefully I’ll take more photography pictures to keep you updated like old times. Stay amazing<3
I’m confused as to how I am feeling lately.
I’ve been pretty busy and stressed this week. It’s not really bad stress or anything, just a lot of things to do. Currently I’m wrapping up my application for my choice university in Tokyo. I am waiting on a meeting schedule for Wednesday, and once that is complete, I should be able to turn all the paper work in and my school will ship the documents to Japan. And then… I wait.
I worry a little because of course I had to state I am diagnosed with a General Anxiety Disorder. When people hear that they think that people can’t handle life. But it’s not true… things are just a little harder for me. But I want to think that it won’t hold me back. I think if I was accepted it would be the most devastating thing.
When I become a little lost in how I’m feeling I try to fill that void with thinking about humans in general. A lot of my attention this year has been on friendships and relationships. I’m unsure of these things still. I am tremendously happy for everyone I have met, and I’m really excited to continue meeting new people, but I have many days, maybe everyday, where at least once I think; these things certainly do not matter.
Also I thought of something last night. My older sister is in a relationship, my younger sister is having a baby, and my baby sister is in an on and off relationship with a fellow in the military who we all feel maybe she’ll elope with. Not too long ago my family was believing I would be the one to get married and have kids, but in this past year I have evolved into the one that will travel and probably never marry.
I think having a family and getting married are wonderful, and maybe some days I will lonely, but in a lot of ways I have never felt more okay. Being in a relationship gives me an excuse to hold myself back. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to just fly off in whatever direction I want. The idea of people loving me and commitment still frightens me. Maybe it’s anxiety, maybe it’s what I think and what I’ve seen, but I don’t believe in faithfulness, and I don’t believe in myself to not chase the people I love in that way off. But it’s okay, because I will accomplish many things. I’m starting and trying to believe in that.
But for now I’m a bit of an empty shell. A mix of excitement and numbness. I’m always so weird. It doesn’t make sense for me to say I’m empty but excited? But that’s me, right? ^^
Top: Forever 21
I took you out late that night. Showed you one of my favourite sites. You asked me questions, like what makes you mad? Where is your mom? How is your dad?
What makes you laugh and what makes you cry? As I stared up and laughed at the sky. “This is my favourite spot at night I think. I used to come here after one too many drink. And as my friends went home with lovers I stumbled home and cried to my covers.” Because that’s the way it is you know. For some of us, it’s how we grow, up.
Truth be told, I took you there to say, I really shouldn’t be feeling this way. But as I looked at you when you looked away, our whatever it was, I wanted to stay. Looking back now, I should have just said, your chest is where want to rest my head. Because then you would have said, uhm no, that’s not right. And I wouldn’t have put up a fight.
We would have then walked our separate ways. And I wouldn’t be feeling so sad these days.
Fund me page: http://www.gofundme.com/hollytojapan
I hate asking for help on things… so please just ignore this post for the most part. The fact you all support my writing and feelings is enough. But in order to reach many people I am posting this link in my various social sites in hopes others will support me too.
You all know my GPA story, so for that reason I set up a gofundme page for back up in hopes I can make up for the scholarships I probably won’t get because I am .2 away from a 3.0.
If you want to share my cause I would be so incredibly in debt to you! I can’t wait to show everyone Japan<3
Summer 2014 I decided that I was going to evolve into the person I always wanted to be. Honestly, I wasn’t sure who that person was… But I feel like every day I find out more and more who she is. Since I have made this decision, I am surprised and overwhelmed at far I have come.
Though my anxiety is high, for the most part I control my panic attacks well. I completely changed what I am studying in school to make ME happy and not what I thought others would find admirable. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to join clubs, go to study groups, to simply make friends. And I’ve decided to finally live out a huge dream and visit Japan. Maybe these things you can’t understand… but to me, they are huge.
Something I am still fighting myself with is being unapologetically me. I still wonder, ‘what will people think if I wear this. I should just go with jeans and sweater.’ ‘If I say this will people think I’m mean.’ But I am learning that it’s okay to speak up.
We all have those moments in time that we wish we would have said something, right? To a person you loved but never told, how much you appreciated a relative before they passed, ‘why don’t you notice me’ to a parent, ‘why did you leave’. These are some of mine.
I did something I won’t talk about in detail recently. I made a choice. And even though maybe I shouldn’t have… maybe it wasn’t a good choice… it was MY choice. I felt, if I don’t do this, I will regret it. And now, I have no regrets. I can’t begin to explain how amazing that feels despite the situation. Don’t live with regrets. Don’t be afraid to speak up for how you feel and what you want. Don’t be ashamed of you!
It’s okay to say, ‘Hey, I really cared about you. So you’re happy now? You don’t need me now. Thank you for everything, but maybe… you are the worst. You are the absolute worse.’
It’s okay to say, ‘You both left me when I needed you. I needed you in my life and you sat back and watched me cry. You blamed me for my tears. You blamed each other. You ripped me apart piece by piece until there was nothing left. It took me until I was 23 years old to even begin to feel any self worth. How could you?’
It’s okay to say, ‘I was suffering too. Don’t you remember? We are supposed to be one in the same. I came here for you. You were always the one I was walking towards. We were supposed to accomplish dreams together. You looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I don’t care” because you were too lost to remember, you are the only person in my youth that I loved.’
It’s okay to say, ‘I regret never following my heart. I regret being afraid. I regret not telling you, ‘we’re too young and I don’t know what love is and I don’t want to hurt you and I’m a mess and will only weigh your life down’. But I love you so incredibly much. Perhaps you’re the first person who taught me that feeling. Perhaps. I am so happy for you.’
Do you know me a little better now? Because I think I have learned something upon waking up this morning with these immediate thoughts. Out of all I think I’ve felt in my life, though I can’t put all the blame on myself, I can say one thing… I never spoke up. I was ashamed of the way I felt like there was something wrong with me. I’m not going to be afraid of that anymore. I am who I am. You are who you are. So just be you. And don’t let fear weigh you down.