I took you out late that night. Showed you one of my favourite sites. You asked me questions, like what makes you mad? Where is your mom? How is your dad?

What makes you laugh and what makes you cry? As I stared up and laughed at the sky. “This is my favourite spot at night I think. I used to come here after one too many drink. And as my friends went  home with lovers I stumbled home and cried to my covers.” Because that’s the way it is you know. For some of us, it’s how we grow, up.

Truth be told, I took you there to say, I really shouldn’t be feeling this way. But as I looked at you when you looked away, our whatever it was, I wanted to stay. Looking back now, I should have just said, your chest is where want to rest my head. Because then you would have said, uhm no, that’s not right. And I wouldn’t have put up a fight.

We would have then walked our separate ways. And I wouldn’t be feeling so sad these days.

Fund me page:

Just Posting This Here

Hey everyone,

I hate asking for help on things… so please just ignore this post for the most part. The fact you all support my writing and feelings is enough. But in order to reach many people I am posting this link in my various social sites in hopes others will support me too.

You all know my GPA story, so for that reason I set up a gofundme page for back up in hopes I can make up for the scholarships I probably won’t get because I am .2 away from a 3.0.

If you want to share my cause I would be so incredibly in debt to you! I can’t wait to show everyone Japan<3

Speak Up. Be You.

Summer 2014 I decided that I was going to evolve into the person I always wanted to be. Honestly, I wasn’t sure who that person was… But I feel like every day I find out more and more who she is. Since I have made this decision, I am surprised and overwhelmed at far I have come.

Though my anxiety is high, for the most part I control my panic attacks well. I completely changed what I am studying in school to make ME happy and not what I thought others would find admirable. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to join clubs, go to study groups, to simply make friends. And I’ve decided to finally live out a huge dream and visit Japan. Maybe these things you can’t understand… but to me, they are huge.

Something I am still fighting myself with is being unapologetically me. I still wonder, ‘what will people think if I wear this. I should just go with jeans and sweater.’ ‘If I say this will people think I’m mean.’ But I am learning that it’s okay to speak up.

We all have those moments in time that we wish we would have said something, right? To a person you loved but never told, how much you appreciated a relative before they passed, ‘why don’t you notice me’ to a parent, ‘why did you leave’. These are some of mine.

I did something I won’t talk about in detail recently. I made a choice. And even though maybe I shouldn’t have… maybe it wasn’t a good choice… it was MY choice. I felt, if I don’t do this, I will regret it. And now, I have no regrets. I can’t begin to explain how amazing that feels despite the situation. Don’t live with regrets. Don’t be afraid to speak up for how you feel and what you want. Don’t be ashamed of you!

It’s okay to say, ‘Hey, I really cared about you. So you’re happy now? You don’t need me now. Thank you for everything, but maybe… you are the worst. You are the absolute worse.’

It’s okay to say, ‘You both left me when I needed you. I needed you in my life and you sat back and watched me cry. You blamed me for my tears. You blamed each other. You ripped me apart piece by piece until there was nothing left. It took me until I was 23 years old to even begin to feel any self worth. How could you?’

It’s okay to say, ‘I was suffering too. Don’t you remember? We are supposed to be one in the same. I came here for you. You were always the one I was walking towards. We were supposed to accomplish dreams together. You looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I don’t care” because you were too lost to remember, you are the only person in my youth that I loved.’

It’s okay to say, ‘I regret never following my heart. I regret being afraid. I regret not telling you, ‘we’re too young and I don’t know what love is and I don’t want to hurt you and I’m a mess and will only weigh your life down’. But I love you so incredibly much. Perhaps you’re the first person who taught me that feeling. Perhaps. I am so happy for you.’

Do you know me a little better now? Because I think I have learned something upon waking up this morning with these immediate thoughts. Out of all I think I’ve felt in my life, though I can’t put all the blame on myself, I can say one thing… I never spoke up. I was ashamed of the way I felt like there was something wrong with me. I’m not going to be afraid of that anymore. I am who I am. You are who you are. So just be you. And don’t let fear weigh you down.

All Around The World

I’ve always heard people talk about travel, and I have always hoped one day I could venture out into the world as well. But I never really believed how impactful it could be.

I haven’t even left the states yet and I’m feeling this huge sense of, there’s so much out there! Do you guys believe in the saying ‘you attract what you think/feel’? I used to think it was the most stupid thing I had ever heard, but lately I am wondering.. could it be true?

Since I changed to Japanese studies, of course I’ve still had struggles, but in all, I’ve been seeing a difference in people I surround myself with and opportunities that pop up. These are things I had always hoped I could find, but it hasn’t been until this year that I decided to become stronger that I have been so fortunate.

The past two days I have been enlightened on the world. Yesterday I attended a meeting about teaching abroad and was able to listen to stories from people who have traveled and taught all over the world from Spain, The Middle East, and even Poland! Two people struck me as very passionate and were just so humbling in the things they would say about their experiences.

Then today I was able to meet a Brazilian exchange student. We talked for about an hour and she told me of her studies and her struggles and about her home country and the friends she has made here. We discussed a lot of differences between our countries and were both envious of one another. I felt like like Brazil sounded so much more free than America, and she thought everything about America was amazing, but the people were a little cold.

She told me I was a ‘nice American’ and that many Americans didn’t have the patience for her broken English since she has only studied a year or a little more. It made me realise that I will be in her shoes in a few months.

A whole new culture. A whole new language. She complimented me on my kindness and patience I had with her, and actually… I had never thought about it. I’ve always enjoyed talking with people from other countries and actually I don’t find their broken English annoying at all. I actually felt really awful thinking about the impatient people exchange students probably deal with. And I wondered… will people in Japan be accepting of me?

So far my friends I have made here in America from Japan are very helpful, but I have never been forced to rely on Japanese. I know once I am in Japan I want to challenge myself to be different.

Though I think my heart belongs in Japan, meeting this student today, being invited to hang out with her and her other friends from South America to experience their style, I hope to visit many places around the world. I find such incredible beauty in peoples traditions and countries. I wish I could feel so strongly about the country I was born in. But maybe through travel I can understand why so many people think America is amazing. Maybe I focus to harshly on the attitudes of people in America than what America offers. We’ll see one day I hope!

The Study Abroad Struggle

A lot of people won’t find this to be a big deal, but if you’re like me and you obsess over getting everything done ahead of time, preparing to study abroad can be extremely stressful!

So much is in the time lines of other people and not yourself. For me, when I see a deadline, I’m like okay, when is the soonest possible I can get this done, even if it’s months before the deadline.

For example, I have to turn my budget sheet of my study abroad program into my financial aid office. So today I decided, might as well get this taken care of. I don’t know about financial aid offices at other schools, but mine is absolute hell to work with. So when I approached the desk a random woman came to spoke over the student worker’s shoulder to inform me that they couldn’t help until my FAFSA was on file. I laughed a little on the inside. (Of course I did my FAFSA forever ago and it was on file already.) But then she insisted I didn’t need to meet with them so soon. Which is probably true… But that’s where the problem lies. I want to get everything done!

For my application to the university in Japan I have to wait on a doctors visit. For my last scholarships to apply to, I have to wait for final grades to be posted. For financial aid, I have to wait for processing. To sort out my new minor, I have to wait to be sent class material from my school in Japan.

I guess this time will teach me a great deal in patience. But currently my anxiety has rocketed because I simply can’t do all I want right now. I would be packed and ready to go if that little part of sanity I have didn’t tell me, ‘Girl… calm the fuck down.’

But that’s where I’m at today…

Forget My Name

The clock strikes 12 as I look to the sea. I dream about what I could be. And as the sun begins to rise, I’ll force a smile and wipe my eyes. I wear a mask, come on let’s play. When will you forget my name? ‘We’re just friends.’ Don’t you dare… When you held my hand you lost the right to care. When you looked me in my eyes, and called me out on all my lies. When you took me off the street and mentioned ‘I just wanted to feel complete’. When you asked ‘why do you always run?’, when I thought… maybe this could be fun.

My thoughts exist like a ship lost at sea. How does someone like that care for me? In whatever way, whatever they feel, a person like that… no it can’t be real. In my heart I know it can’t last. Friendship and trust can’t be built that fast. Who do you think are? Who did I think I was… I just only searching for a lasting buzz.

But in my life.. I should have known. Looking for fun is where trouble is grown. I can’t drown my feelings. I can’t shake the sorrow. And I will still think of you tomorrow. And as I lay in this mess tonight, I’ll wipe a tear, and smile despite. The way my heart can never be fixed, and maybe when the clock hits six, in the morning I will finally sleep. Only to wake in the hopes my phone will beep. But it won’t. And I shouldn’t care. After all, I knew from the start this wouldn’t be fair.

What am I saying… I guess I don’t know. It’s not like I love you. Right, I guess so. I just care about you with all my heart, and it’s harder still that we’re apart, and I hate writing about people. It’s all the same. I am left alone in this game. They all go back to what makes them smile, and I’m am left all the while… trying to pick up pieces again. After all, we are all just friends.

So since this is all the same, when will you forget my name?