1 Month ‘Till Tokyo!

After my last video I posted and cutting out gluten again, I’m starting to feel a lot less anxious and more optimistic. I want as much as possible to mostly only post positive things and keep my gloomy things to myself in my own personal journal.

But at this moment I just felt like writing down things I’m grateful about. Tomorrow is my last day volunteering at my study abroad office. I decided to cut off a few weeks early in order to focus on my studies. But I’m going to miss it there. I’ve met some really wonderful people and in the short time I’ve spent there I’ve grown a bit.

I have become more confident in speaking for my own opinion and a bit about being confident in my own work. As a volunteer sometimes I felt the work I was doing wasn’t actually anything important or beneficial. But the support I have been given from my cubicle mates has really made me feel a part of something. I hope I can join as a bigger piece when I return from Japan.

So I still have a month before I venture across the sea, but I’m faced with my first challenge! Where do I stay my first night!? Typically this is something that would leave me in a sheer panic attack, but a little… I’m excited about this. I always felt arriving would be the biggest shock and give me the most anxiety. This challenge gives me the opportunity to take this new life right by the horns. Already I have realised it’s okay to reach out to my friends in Japan for things such as helping me make a reservation at a hotel. Honestly, it might be a little nice to spend my first night away from the start of my new life in my new home just to have time to process it all. Let’s hope I’m this confident come that time!

I’ve been pretty sad about saying goodbye to people, but something I realised the other day; even though I’m saying all of these good-byes, I’m getting to see people I haven’t seen in years because I’m leaving. I’ve gotten to see my Uncle, I’ll see my Mom and Aunt and Nana in Vegas. I’ll be staying with my older sister in California (who I haven’t seen in almost two years which is centuries for us.) Everyone else I’m used to not having, but my sister has been a struggle. Also I’ll get to see my soul mate, a.k.a: my bestest friend in the whole world.

I’m looking forward to all of things everyone is going to accomplish while I’m gone. I have to remind myself that I have always watched the ones I love from a distance, this year across the sea is no different; I’m just doing a little something for me too.

Because I’m a duel blogger right now, I’ll do my best to keep this blog active and share my experiences here as well so you can get the full Japan experience with me!

Much love to all of you. As always, I thank a lot of my faceless supporters for where I’ve been able to come today.

For you:

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Experimenting

Something glorious about finding self confidence is being able to start wearing the clothes you like.

Constantly I look at photos of styles I’m in love with, but I always think… I can’t pull that off, or, that outfit will bring too much attention to me. But I’m feeling more now that I just want to express myself as myself. No matter what.

So H&M had a pretty sweet sale and I purchased some things.

Shirt: H&M
Pants: Forever21
Shoes: Charlotte Russe
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The shirt material is super cozy, and though these pants I wouldn’t wear in the summer, I’m excited to sport them in Japan this autumn/winter.

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It feels great to combine clothes and photography together. My loves.

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I thought that the collar and the lace on this shirt took it from a simple blouse to a super adorable shirt that could be worn both in the office and out and about.

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I would recommend a strapless bra however and maybe cutting of the back tags if things showing through the lace bother you.

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Don’t mind my awkward bird legs. (and un-ironed shirt). But the pants feel like they are made out of strong material so I don’t think (like other cheaper products I’ve purchased) the mesh will rip easily.

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They are super easy to move in, and I’m extremely satisfied I finally found a pair of this style that works for me.

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So Many Ways To Live A Life

I’m in a bought of unexplainable anxiety again. But I decided it’s due the coming changes. However, I’m ready. This post may ruin my “month in photos” post for July, but my past couple of blogs have been nothing but text, so I want to include some photography here.

Here’s me trying to be artsy:

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I’ve learned so much this past year. I remember June and July of last year. Not that the earlier months were particularly better, but in June and July the change of changing my studies was beginning to hit. I was headed back to university with a new mind set and new goals. Goals I had locked deep down inside of me under all my hatred and pains.

I decided then, I didn’t want to be caged.

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I made this choice. And it completely destroyed all of the things that I had known up until that point. Six years to dust. What I thought was important, to dust. The things I thought I was sure of, questionable. The hardest thing to face was that I had wasted so much time on these things only because I had no self value. Even now I think of where I could be had only I never let the hand I was dealt growing up get me down. But I guess I wouldn’t be the person I am had I not encountered this life.

I think honestly… the hardships I had simply give me the determination I have now to become the person I want to be. I still haven’t figured it out… but I actually believe I can become a person. That’s more than I could once say.

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So here we are a year later. Little me and all of you. How am I? (And how are you!?)

I’m simply Holly of course. The same little girl that started this blog a few years ago to try to find a place to put the words I felt I couldn’t say anywhere else. I thank the people here for encouraging me to start on this journey of finding myself.

So why am I writing this?

I guess in part, the past week I’ve been a little insecure. See.. all my friends are married with babies. Or they have landed seemingly good jobs. It’s easy to think I’m not accomplishing anything. Yet… I learned something about myself. Well… I’ve always known it, I guess it’s more of a rediscovery and acceptance. All I want out of life is to keep chasing sunsets.

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In head start, my teachers worried over me. This tiny mis-matched sock wearing tot who always sat alone and told the other kids she didn’t want to play with them. Today my family and friends occasionally make the same sort of comments. Find love, have a family, surround yourself constantly with others. These words bring a strong sense of loneliness for me.

See… I want precious moments of life. And my precious moments are probably different than yours. And that’s okay. To some it’s a wedding. To some it’s the birth of their children. To me… it’s seeing nature’s beauties and meeting rare people who make me feel something inside myself. I’ve only met two so far.

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I’ll explain this. HM02. If you’re a Pokemon fan, you know it’s the HM for Fly. And that’s what I want. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to fly. And though, however unfortunate, my body can’t produce wings, I can still fly in ways that only I know how.

There’s so many ways to live a life. And I wanted to let the people who have supported me to know, I’m finding peace in the way I wish to live mine.

Sex, Drugs & Rock-N-Roll: Chats with Dad

Chats with my dad are something I have always held extremely valuable. I remember growing up with my single dad and we never really had to say much. He was this super cool guy and I was a weird little girl. From what I remember mostly our time was spent over going to the theatre and spending our nights with ice cream and some Mt. Dew.

It was the life I loved, just my dad and I. As I grew up our relationship changed intensely, but now I as I grow to care less about the past and more about the future, I find that my dad is even cooler than I had thought as a wee one.

It’s funny how that happens. As kids, who would have thought that our parents had lives?

My dad was 23 or 24 when I was born. That’s my age range! I can’t imagine having a rugrat running around right now. And yet, all of the stories he can tell me about his life leave me feeling excited to live my own.

There’s something about hearing a dad say, “I’m proud of you” that just hits every cord in your body. I wonder why… It’s not something I heard much living at home, but through out this past year, my dad always some how takes a moment to tell me.

Whether it be talking about the day of my birth, or bragging to friends about my plans, or even saying to me, “you’ve become a whole new person”. As I near my departure for Japan, these words my dad and I exchange over classic rock music make me want to try even harder.

It’s my insecurities that say this, but I always think… what are you even proud of? Lots of people go abroad. Lots of kids finish college. I’m late to graduate, I don’t want to marry or have kids, and let’s be honest… for as “smart and mature” as I am, I’m also equally a little shit.

But still… my dad is impressed by me. You can actually see it in his eyes, so as much as I was want to say he is just humouring me, I know that he truly believes his words.

And for the first time I know that anything I do in life, my dad will be proud of me. To any country I visit, any job that I have, he will still brag about me and make it sound as if I am the only child in the world that could have done it.

Yeah.. I have to tell myself many times a day to get through my anxiety fits, “live this life for you”, however… as much as I wish I could be, I can never make myself to be so selfish. So knowing I have my dad’s support… I know that this path I’m choosing to walk isn’t just for me. It’s for my dad, and anyone who has ever believed in me.

Vegetables and Equality.

Today I woke up to marriage equality here in America. It’s about time, right?

Someone asked me once, if you don’t believe in marriage, why do you care if ‘the gays’ can get married? For me, when it comes to things like this it’s simple. I don’t care much for vegetables. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think other people shouldn’t eat them, and I would certainly never discriminate them.

The biggest argument anyone has over marriage equality is that it supposedly goes against God.  “Marriage” is supposed to be sacred. And yet… as I look around me I see divorce increase, and learn the many ways people can cheat on their spouses. Please tell me again how sacred marriage is.

Marriage is nothing more than a label. Being able to get married doesn’t change the level of commitment two people have together. It doesn’t change the love that exists between them. Even before marriage equality, it wasn’t going to stop people loving who they love.

Marriage is nothing more than a legal document. So what does it matter who can get married? It’s the fact that in this country we are all equal. Regardless of race, gender, sexuality, what type of vegetables we eat, we all should be given the same rights. For America to truly stand up to its call of promise and equality, the very citizens living here should be able to see that promise.

Through this whole year as I’ve been preparing to leave for Japan I have been seeing the nasty news all through the web of the horrible things in my country. I’ve been thinking, I really can’t wait to leave this place. Of course, there are worse things and places. And every country has it’s faults. But for the place you call home, of course it’s easier to become more disappointed in them when you feel let down.

However, today because of this news I am so happy to see my country taking a step in a more positive direction. I truly hope one day I can look at my country and feel proud of where I come from.

And not only in my country, I hope that around the world people will come together as they have here to fight for the rights of one another. I want everyone in the world to be able to love whoever they choose in public. I want the rich to reach out to the poor. The people who run our countries to give a shit about the people. And for these leaders to also understand we are all different and our differences don’t have to mean war.

We are all people. We all crave similar things. And regardless of what vegetables we like, we should support one another.

June Picture Post

As promised; picture post! Just a quickie^^

Spring had finally sprung this month and now we are moving into hotter, more humid days! Many are mad we’ve been having such a rainy summer, but I love the rain, so I haven’t been minding so much! After all, the plants are so happy this year!
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If you follow me on youtube, you know I have a nephew!! I got to witness the c-section and was the very first person to hold him. (aside from the nurses). It was a magical experience I’m glad I was able to be a part of.

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Other than that, I’ve been busy studying… And I still feel like I’m getting no where… But I’ll keep pushing on!

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The past month has been a lot of reflection. I’m sorting out many feelings and preparing to move on towards Japan. July is promising to be a very eventful month, so stay tuned!

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