Because Being Yourself Isn’t Always Easy.

I made a friend this year. (Gasp). In some ways this person reminds me a bit of myself my first year in this city. Shy, timid, and overly sensitive sometimes. But, to the world around them, they act strong.

When I first saw this person I thought, how interesting. This year a challenge of mine was to learn to approach others. This person was the first I approached. “Can I study with you?” And so, they became someone I hold closely, even if I still can’t understand my feelings of friendships.

I’ve always believed I was a very open minded person. I try not to judge others harshly because I can easily put myself in another persons shoes. This friend however has taught me that just because I can do that, doesn’t mean I always understand.

This friend was born biologically female, but opened up to me a few weeks into our friendship about how they identify as non-binary. This means they don’t feel like a male or female, in simple terms. I’d heard of androgyny before, but never gave thought that a person could feel like neither sex.

They have discussed with me very personal views they have about themselves and I’ve been happy to stand by their side and watch them express their voice to facebook and the people we have grown to surround ourselves with.

Though I can understand this persons wishes, and I can help educate others to the best of my ability, I still struggle. I still cringe when I catch myself saying “she” or “her”. Of course they are never hurt by this. But it made me think of frustrating it must be to hear those things when you don’t feel them. I think, of course some days it’s easy to brush off.

It’s the same in the sense that some days I have no problem admitting I have anxiety. But some days to hear people talk about it, or I feel like shit that it’s something I deal with, it really bugs me. I realise that my friend struggles with this with their identity.

And I wanted to share that. I think slowly, the world is trying to move towards a more accepting place. People are gaining more confidence, especially on the web, to express who they are and what they believe. However… this doesn’t mean we can completely understand.

I think all you can do is accept a person for how they express themselves to you. It’s okay to not agree with someone. It’s okay to say you can’t be friends. But it’s not okay to treat someone like shit because they are different than you are.

Some of us struggle daily trying to figure out who we are. We look in the mirror and we have no idea who or what is looking back at us. We change our hair, our style, the way we talk, the way we act. And often times we always feel like an empty shell.

Being yourself isn’t easy. Because who are you really?

Whatever anyone claims to be, I think if you want that person in your life, you should support them.

Why We Should Love

I’ve been sitting on these words for a few weeks as I’ve struggled to find a meaning in them. I thought, I shouldn’t write about this, since I’m so back and forth with emotions regarding this topic. But, as I always have to remind myself as my blog grows, I started this place for me, a place where I can be honest. I’m not here to say what people want, I’m here to say what I want.

If you’ve been with my awhile, you probably understand my stance on love just as well as I do. Not at all. But recently, as I begin to lean more on myself again, I’ve been thinking. It’s good to fall in love, isn’t it?

Even when you know you will never pursue a relationship, even though it hurts so much to know this and still love a person, in it’s own way, it’s rewarding. Maybe it’s the twisted side of me that thinks, feeling this pain is what makes me alive. But in part, I think also, I’m proud that despite these sad things, people can still fall in love at all. People like me that is. We know how stupid and pointless it is, but we are still fools with hearts, just like everyone else.

I think in loving a person you learn the most about yourself. Actually… as I’m writing this, I think for me it isn’t even so called love. Trust… maybe that’s all I feel for people. Maybe I have always confused love and trust. Shouldn’t love be wanting to be with a person? While trust on the other hand is this overwhelming feeling? Some people say they go hand in hand. Maybe I just want to separate them.

Anyway… To be able to trust someone, and share the deepest of your darkness to, those very rare people that can pat your head and tell you to grow, it’s worth the pain to meet them.

It’s been awhile since I’ve said something positive here. I feel like I need to write down goals more. (I’ve been slacking and feeling low on myself). And if it’s one thing I hate, it’s when people feel low and do nothing to change it. So… to learn from these words, I have to be strong and independent and continue on the path of becoming me.

Japanese has been kicking my butt this summer and leaving me so frustrated and lost. So I need to practice more on my own time. I will begin studying business in the fall. I have no idea what that means. I want to read on my free time all about business.

I need to remember these goals I have and why I set them. For myself I will keep trying.

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Can You Call It Irony?

I always go to start these things as, “Lately I’ve been feeling…” But should I be using the word “lately” when it’s something that is mostly constant. Instead of “Lately I’ve been dealing with anxiety” it should be “Lately, I’ve been in a good mood.”

“Lately I’ve been struggling with who I am.” It’s not at all a “lately” thing. It’s an every day thing. But in these moments, it feels the most confusing. It seems that when everything goes well, I feel the worst. I’m gaining a lot of experience in my volunteer internship position. I was awarded a scholarship today for study abroad. And yet… I’m feeling so empty.

All I can do is photograph. Somehow try to get out these sick irrational feelings.

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Words have been surrounding me. “I will never love someone, but I want someone to love me.” “I’m sorry for everything.” “When something isn’t directly in front of me, I don’t make it a priority.” “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

All I’ve done… It’s been for this. I wanted this. I wanted this proof. But I didn’t want to think I could trust someone. We really can’t help it can we? To want to trust and be loved no matter what we actually feel inside.

Irrationality and logic. Always fighting.

I Need To Remind Myself.

I’m the annoying person that always says, “it could be worse”. I know to every individual, their problems are their worst. But I have always been an observer. I have always been able to put myself in another’s shoes to learn from them and feel their pain.

As I’m struggling right now, I have to remind myself it could be worse. Like most college students in America, I am struggling financially. Because of summer classes I have not been able to find work that will work with my schedule. It’s been very rough emotionally for me because I hate asking anyone for help. But I have to remind myself, only a few years ago I was living off of $20 per month for groceries. All I could eat was a granola bar and a cheese egg sandwich. (With super cheap not real cheese.)

I may reach that point soon… But for now, I’m not there yet.

Emotionally I keep wondering.. am I strong enough to go to Japan? With my anxiety lately telling me I can’t amount to anything… It’s hard to think I’m deserving. My anxiety keeps trying to find doubt in everything revolving Japan.

But I need to realise how far I have come… I never thought I’d go to Japan. And here I am, practically three short months away from starting my journey. I need to keep strong.

Anxiety really makes following your dreams tough. Nearly every day is filled with doubt. That voice telling you, you aren’t good enough. You’re going to fail. Despite the typical negative feelings I face almost every day, I think I was able to make one hell of a year for myself and I’ve learned so much.

I need to keep reminding myself that anxiety is only a piece of who I am. Anxiety is not me.

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Instagram Picture Post~

How have we been since the last update? I suppose this is what end of March and through April has looked like through my eyes.

April was finals! Grades were posted today and I finished with a 3.5. Could be better. But I’m not complaining because in just two semesters I was able to bring my miserable gpa up to a happy overall of 3.0. See what happens when you work for something you believe in?
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Lately it’s been hitting me about things I’ll be leaving behind when I head out to Japan. My pets mean the world to me, so I’m struggling a little bit being with them every day and knowing that soon I will not see them by my side anymore. I think for some time my little apartment in Japan will feel really lonely.
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I found this little gem. It’s kind of taunting me about how broke I am right now.

Screen Shot 2015-05-05 at 16e_FotorOther than the photos I posted yesterday of the sun set, I have ventured out to South Haven alone about a month ago. Did I post about it? I don’t think so. It was much a different experience than what I described yesterday. I was alone this time. I was trying really hard to say good-bye to something. I haven’t let go completely, but comparing my feelings from yesterday to this time, it’s getting easier.
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My best friend’s wife had twins! Two little boys. This has been the highlight for me. This friend is very special to me. He taught me so much as we grew together in high school. His little boys are the most adorable babies I have ever seen and he and his wife are amazing!

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Maybe this hasn’t felt like an enthusiastic post as I’ve typed it. I am feeling a bit tired. There is a lot I am struggling with currently, but I’m glad to say that I’ve been doing my best to keep positive. For the first time in my life I am having to be honest and convince myself it’s okay to rely on others. This isn’t easy for me and it really rips me apart… But I am grateful.

I’m also a little worried. What if I go to experience my dream and I’m still empty?

But, only time will tell.

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Chasing the Sunset

I’ve talked about it before, haven’t I? Chasing the sunset?

My friends and I jetted off to South Haven yesterday to watch the sunset. A few unexpected time struggles came up so we weren’t sure if we would make it. My friend driving kept apologising. “I’m so sorry everyone. If we don’t make it, I’m sorry.”

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I was able to share with them… “Don’t worry. This is what I call chasing the sunset.” I don’t think they took what I said seriously. That’s something I like about myself. People have a hard time telling if I’m joking or giving away something about myself. I’m not sure how old I was when I started saying, “I’m chasing the sunset.”

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As you all know, they sky is my true love in this world. And the sunset and sunrise are some of the greatest marvels. It’s probably the colours. Or maybe the poetic thought that everything ends, but also begins. I’m not sure. But watching the sun rise and fall, especially over water where I feel most at home, always puts me at ease.

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Even if they can’t share the same feeling that chasing the sunset gives to me, I am glad I was able to share this feeling with friends. I’m learning that I don’t have to open up and share the things I don’t think others will understand, but I can bring them into my world and show them what I like for them to interpret into their own way.

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Chasing the sunset. For me it’s important because I have a tendency to be negative. Endings… I struggle with that. But watching a day end, as the sun sinks behind the clouds and the water, it makes me feel in some ways, I should look for beauty in good-bye. It’s still sad… Maybe there is no good way to describe it.IMG_2234_FotorThis picture was my favourite. The sun has almost disappeared. A duck swims alone. For both of us, we chased the sunset to this place of solace. The sounds of waves surround us as the current of life keeps pushing us on with the wind to our backs. The sun will continue to rise and fall. Just as we will continue to move forward.