You’re Not Special To Me.

I wonder, when it comes to things like “love” and relationships, if people have always been so cold. Is it something my generation has learned from our parents? Is it our ability to use social media to point out every little problem? Or are we really just so void of this feeling?

Growing up, friends would say things like, “Parents shouldn’t get divorced. They should stay together for the kids. They should work it out for their children.” But then these same kids grow up and realise that our parents are people, and we too learn how complicated relationships can be.

I wonder a lot if my generation is full of people like me. Someone whose never seen a good happy relationship. On one hand you have your family. You witnessed the sour behaviour of your parents. You’ve seen the dark side of getting remarried. Then on the other hand you have your friends. Your friends who always want to be in love, but all these relationships have secrets and lies. So what’s the point in that?

So my generation does this really weird thing. We care. But just enough. Or we don’t care at all. We’re really good at using each other. Because you have people like me who want to chase away everyone’s problems. And you have the people I gravitate most to. The people who need someone to hear them, but don’t want to hear you in return. With these two sides, we can come together so easily and balance each other out. Both hurting in our own unique ways.

We crave for someone to love us despite our fucked up minds and broken hearts, but God forbid someone actually do that. Because once someone cares too much, it’s time to cut ties. We really like the idea of a forever. But we know that really there isn’t such a thing.

Maybe we have this fantasy complex. That there could be a person who would never lie or cheat. But I also think we have no idea what we want. You can’t be too nice and you can’t be too mean. But sometimes you should be too mean. Other times you should be too nice. There’s no pleasing us. Even if you think you’re pleasing someone, they’re complaining about you to someone else.

So we meet one another. Something clicks. I listen to your problems. I tell you enough to think you know me well, even though we haven’t touched the surface. We live our lives separately. You call when you need a friend. Well, we call each other friends… But truthfully we never were. And after some time, we part ways and slowly drift and become painful memories of another goodbye. Another nothing.

Someone said to me, “if we’re still alone when we’re 40, let’s just settle with each other.” And actually… I’ve heard others with this plan.

Because all we want is someone who will hold us at night and keep us warm from the cold places in our hearts.

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“You are American. I am Japanese.”

“Love” and “Friendship” are two of my favourite things to write about because I have no understanding of either of them. Do they have a purpose? Do we need them? Why do we crave them? All the questions are endless in my mind when it comes to these two topics. But since being in Japan I’ve felt I’ve learned a little about friendship.

After last year, the year I will always refer to as the year that changed my life, I didn’t believe there was a point to meeting new people. Those that I considered to be the most close to me are completely unique and unreplaceable. I remember thinking a lot after my best friend left that having becoming friends with this person had been such a waste of my time. We get so close to people and they eventually just leave. I still think it’s true. But, in all honesty, they haven’t left me.

No… I can’t text them every day with random antics and joke about in the same manner or spend the same kind of time. All of that has faded away with their new life. But in my times where I need to hear truthful words, I can always rely on them. And they know they can always rely on me. This person will always be in my heart. They changed my life in some of the best ways. And I will never forget them.

This showed me that despite the fact that we all have to separate eventually, the people who are of true value in your life will always be there for you. Maybe it can’t be every day. Maybe sometimes it will feel like they’ve forgotten you. But really, they are still the ones that are looking out for you the most.

Making friends in Japan scared the hell out of me. I’m not talkative. I’m kind of weird. And let’s not get into emotional baggage. I’m still not 100% on accepting myself, so how will total strangers who only have to put up with me for a few months see me as a friend?

Sometimes finding out who is genuine in Japan can be difficult because our cultures are so different. I had a fall out with a friend recently and thought, “well, I guess it’s just because our cultures are too different.” Yesterday when the same topic came up with another friend I thought… well… I just can’t have a true Japanese girl friend here. But this friend listened openly and accepted my feelings as we discussed them both in my shitty Japanese and in English. To me she said many things.

“You are American. I am Japanese. But nationality doesn’t matter so much I think. I want you to be happy because you are really good friend to me.”

So this struck me… Despite the cultural differences and the language barrier… despite the struggle of fully being able to understand one another, her and I made it work because she is a friend of true value. No matter what the problem or difficulty, a true friend will understand you at the end and support you. It made me realise that the friend I lost couldn’t have been a great friend. And I really appreciate this experience.

I get caught up on a lot of little things as I always do. But the things I’m learning make every struggle I face here seem so small. It’s been about 2 and half months now in Japan. I know there are so many hurdles still to come. I know I’m going to cry and be hurt. But I know more that what I take from this whole experience… that’s what I’ll cherish the most.

Lonely vs Alone

Most of us struggle with this concept, don’t we? Many of us feel so strongly about being alone. How much we want to accept that in this world we are alone anyway, so why not embrace it? We love to be alone. We don’t care, because we know no one else could ever care. And yet we feel so distraught because in our comfortable solitude, suddenly, we feel lonely.

Lonely is the most disgusting feeling. Lonely is worse than love. Why? Because the simple act of feeling lonely makes you act so stupid. You reach out, you let down walls, you give yourself away, because you think, I just don’t want to be alone anymore. When you do these things, you think you love someone. And you think that that person cares about you, simply because they listened and held you and wiped your tears away.

But they were just lonely too.

So, you get to become a modern day “Good-Luck, Chuck”. Have you seen the movie? In short, these people that you hide loneliness with will always find someone special after you. And what choice do you have but to be happy for them. “I’m glad we could have this time together. I love you so much, so I am so glad that you found someone that can properly chase away your loneliness.”

The only way you know how to cope is to be alone again. You vow to take care of yourself. You vow to try harder. You remember how bright the sky looks when you walk this world on your own. You become happy, well, at least the closest to it you can be. You accept again that even though your heart may always be in pain, as long as you are doing the things for yourself that should make you smile, it’s going to be okay.

But then, out of nowhere, you’re lonely again. Someone crosses your path who you feel could understand you. Maybe the most scary thing is, they do. They’ll become special. And then they will leave you feeling more broken than the person before them. And the cycle continues. Maybe forever.

So I guess somewhere in this stupid existence there has to be some kind of balance. Some way to be alone but fight away lonely.

Lengthy Life Posts

Everyone! I apologise truly for my lack of presence lately. Everyone has come to support me and I haven’t really given you much at all… But I’m glad so many of you enjoyed the photos. So now I’ll fill you in a bit on what I’ve been up to the past 2 months. (Has it been that long already!?)

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So I moved to Tokyo as you all know! I’ve never been more happy about a decision in my entire life. Well honestly… it’s the first decision I’ve ever really made for myself. Always I wanted to revolve my life around others. The weeks before departing from the States I struggled a lot thinking of the people I was leaving. Babies birthdays I’d miss, how my dad would miss me on the holidays, etc. I thought it was wrong for me to go… But I learned that by simply staying to watch others as they grow, I’m not growing myself. Due to my battle with anxiety, it’s very vital for me to always feel like I’m growing. I’ve fully accepted the events that happened the past (almost two years), because as hard as they were, and as painful as it is to remember, it has all lead me here.

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Currently I’m studying at University. Language is the hardest part of this journey. Every day is a struggle for me to feel confident. It’s only been two months, but at the same time it’s already been two months. I try often to notice where I’m improving, but when you can’t convey in Japanese what you want to say in English, it can feel difficult to make discussion. But I’m trying harder more and more.

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I’m sick a lot in Japan, but it hasn’t put a damper on anything. I think the air is possibly more dry here (at least it feels that way to me) so often I have a sore throat. We joke that all of us international students take a mask selfie when we first fall ill. Masks are kind of weird to wear because I hate breathing in them. But also they are convenient and when I’m traveling on a packed train and the men next to me are coughing up a storm, I’m grateful when I’m wearing one.

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Japan is peaceful. Never have I felt more comfortable somewhere. Even through the stares, and the occasional “omg gaijin” remarks, I feel like I fit in here. There are people my size and I can always find shoes. The night life in Tokyo is INSANE. So me being the insomnia ridden person I am, I love that things are constantly moving when I can’t seem to stop. But even through the hustle and bustle of city life there are small getaways. Parks and rooftop grass beds are my favourites. At parks you can watch the kids play, business men take breaks, and lovers hang out in the night. The rooftop at my school may be my favourite though. I can look over the city and feel the sun or wind. I thought adjusting to living in the city would be a huge struggle for me. I really enjoy it, but I do miss the nature of Michigan and being able to hide out in a nearby forest and feeling like you’ve escaped the real world.

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Soon it becomes my birthday. I’m at the point where I can almost say a woman never reveals her true age… ew. But I feel still very much a child. (This photo is Hachiko by the way. We share a birthday. He’s famous in Japan.) My birthday isn’t something I’m looking forward to. Last year was the first birthday I’ve felt something for. I received a single card from peers, and that one card sparked something for the people I met last year. I miss them all every single day, and as much as I want to grow and see the future, I find myself too often thinking of last year. It was the turning point in my life, so I think it will always be my most precious time.

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I feel like every day I’m growing in Japan. At first maybe I should credit お酒の力 (the power of liquor, which enables you to make friends fast). But as the days pass and I look at the people around me, the people I miss, who I am, who I was, who I could become, no matter what my struggles of the day are, I dare say, I might just be happy. If it’s not whatever happiness is, then I’m appreciative. I think that’s a better word. I’m glad to wake up every day here. Even on the days I think, “what am I doing?” “Why am I trying”. Today I had for the first time since my first week the thought, “Holy shit. I’m in Japan.” as I watched the train depart from the station near my dorm.

It’s becoming just as the students that went abroad before me said. I have no way of truly feeling like anyone back home can understand what I’m experiencing. When they ask me how Japan is, and the only thing I can really say is, it’s amazing, it doesn’t even brush the surface of what Japan is to me. Of course there are a few people who have always known about my hidden passion to come here, maybe they get it. But I really wish there were words to describe everything.

But I guess honestly… Most of what I’m learning, most of what I’m feeling, and even a lot of my experiences, I want them locked away in my heart for myself. So I’m grateful for the things that language can’t evoke sometimes. After all, words don’t mean much to me anyway. But I know these feelings are real. And I want to keep struggling and learning as much as possible here.

Lovely Japan

Holy balls! It’s been almost a month since I posted…
By no means am I a travel blogger… This blog is for my mind. But I wanted to share with you some lovely sights in Japan. Today I have taken the day the catch up with the things I loved to do before coming to Japan. Such as this blog and videos. It was a day I needed.

But I’ll catch you up on my head with self photography later as I’ve been doing a bit of that again as well. For now, enjoy the flowers around Japan~

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Sleepless Nights & Empty Hearts

They say leave the past in the past, but you cant exactly leave yourself behind. (As I usually try, I’ll mix pictures in and out. Though I must admit my old phone took better photos for being an old design.)

I never gave much thought to the term culture shock. I decided a year ago to have no hopes or expectations of this place or of myself. I believed that this way I could start this page of my life blank. A do over for my life up until this point I guess. But whether or not you have expectations, I think everything hits the same.


You reach a point, for the millionth time, where you ask yourself, does this life mean anything? What am I doing here? What are my passions? Whether we mean to or not, I think when we travel far away, we assume that we get to leave who we are behind. Like the voices of doubt and the struggles of the past will wait patiently back home for us and let us have a moment of peace for once in our questionable lives.


For me this may be the only thing I genuinely struggle with in Japan. Do I miss people, and things, and the way America is extremely easy on us, of course somedays I do. But not enough to want to return. Honestly, its been a month and the thought of leaving already makes me sick. But to know, that even to have reached this goal I’ve had since I was five and still think and feel the person that I am, in a way, it’s a hard truth.


The past year has been for me, the constant reminder that I am who I am and I like her. However, this is the test to those words. The ultimate truth that no matter where I run, who I meet, I am this person. I am these thoughts. I hold this burden to live a life for those who didn’t have the chance. When you first arrive somewhere new you want to absorb it all. But eventually comes a time when you put the headphones back in. You look at others and wonder, do you feel it too? Are you as empty as me? And even the ones you can discuss these things with, you know, given time, they will disappear the same way everyone before them did. They always do. This is a truth. So what do you make of a dream experience when it becomes a reality?


I think still, I’m fortunate. I’m living somewhere I’ve dreamed of. Despite being me, despite not being able to talk to anyone, I feel comfortable in this part of the world. So, as we all must do, you find that small thing to hold onto. To that tiny thing that gets you out of bed in the morning. Look at things with wonder. The sky may not be as clear in Tokyo, but it is still there to look to. To see the sun and the clouds. So I believe that I am who I’m supposed to be. Even if I feel at fault in this world. I still want to find a purpose. And as tiring as it can be, it’s enough.