It’s 5 a.m. I’m watching the sky turn periwinkle. I just munched on a sushi roll I bought from 7/11 as I saw a friend off at the station. Nirvana Live at Reading is playing. I’ve slept maybe 10 minutes.

This is the life that I like the most. Chaotic. Uncertain. And not so typical. When I’m not sleeping, I know that I’ve entered a creative period. I know that I’m experience anxiety and depression and the way that I sometimes shut off my feelings unknowingly. I know at some point in the next month or two I will crack and go through an “episode”. But it’s a life I’ve accepted these past two years.

I just finished my student life at my Uni in Japan. I’ve entered the phase of no obligations. Time is 100% my own right now, unless I feel the obligation to entertain others against my own “I want to be alone” feelings.

I guess I’m in this reflective stage where I am supposed to digest all I’ve learned this past year. I feel like… This year was used strengthening what I already knew.

Nothing. Is. Permanent. Since my 6-7 year relationship ended a few years ago the person who needed a plan type that I was died. I believe she formed in order to feel a control on her life. For a life that was full of experiences that I disliked. A life that was always controlled by others. She emerged to take all that back. But I’ve learned that she was just as bad as the people I hated so much. Holding me back and causing unnecessary stress. I can’t control life. And honestly, it would be extremely boring if I could.

No one is right. And no one is wrong. The world needs to learn to accept this one. I could say so much. But really, it should be common sense.

The words “happiness” and “love” are words I believe emit no emotion for me. I felt this way when I was kid. I tried hard to accept them as a teen and until recently. For whatever reason, words like these don’t reach me. I prefer “you made me smile” and “you never treated me like an option/I feel your affection”.  Happiness and love are an unattainable constructed idea that have no reality. Meaningless words to give a definition to categorise the mass amount of feelings we have. I’m not emotionless, it’s not that I’m not capable of either one, it’s just… they are different to me. “happiness” and “love” are not things that I feel in my core. But it doesn’t mean that in the standard definition I haven’t felt these things.

Every. Single. Person. Is. Amazing.

I have no desire to be admired as far as a career/family/relationship are involved. I want to create things. I want to live freely. I want to meet and part ways as many times as possible. I want to feel everything. I want to experience the world. I want to be inspired and I want to inspire. I want to write and film and talk and draw until I cry from being so tired and drained. It’s all that makes me truly feel.

So the sky is turning more grey now. I feel there is no point in sleeping so I think I will clean and pack some things away. My life here is ending. I can’t feel anything about that yet.. other than grateful. I think even if I died today, I could accept that the life I lived was meaningful.

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Photos

Today I’ll write to a metaphorical “you.”

They blame my anxiety and etc for sometimes acting out compulsively. Maybe that’s why today when I looked at my wall of photos and saw you there, I just found myself ripping the photos down.

Photos are something I love. Capturing an image and a feeling as it happens to refer to later. But sometimes they are poisonous. Reminding us of the laughter and happiness that isn’t going to return again. We’re forced to see these photos and sigh in forced acceptance that, “it’s time to move on”, “don’t live in the past”.

And it’s undeniably true that the more you let go the more that you are allowing to come in. Each step I take farther from you, I find the most beautiful things entering my life. My experiences become happy and the people I meet seem pure. And I have accepted that you were only the first step of many that I needed to take on this path called life.

As much as I dislike making connections with others for this exact reason… People like you inspire me to write and to live and to feel. The one redeeming quality that you have is that you always make me feel like trying harder. Becoming stronger.

Even as today I throw away these memories of you, I only feel like getting stronger because of you.

I found myself packing my bags today. “Pack away everything that does not serve the rest of your time in Japan.” I found myself eager to run away from Tokyo. Eager again to run away from my problems. Maybe that’s all moving and traveling is for me.. forever running away.

There is one photo left on the wall. When I take it down I’ll pretend that it means it’s the last time I look fondly towards you. That somehow I can put you in the back storage of my mind where you belong. It’s funny how hate can sometimes be the most sincere of fond feelings.

So as I tear this photo down… and as I pack these bags. And when I find myself alone in an empty room back in the college town that will feel dull and lonely with out you there, I wonder when I will also throw away these words. And I wonder when I’ll be strong enough to move on confidently and look at others with out seeing you.

Ticking Time & Love Like Nirvana

Every day is a part of a countdown now. Every hour. Every meal. Every conversation.

It’s almost as if through each moment I can see the outline of a clock on the wall, tick, tick, ticking by. If my room is silent, I can hear those ticks taunting me. “Do something. Go somewhere. Be with someone.”

It’s funny how a year sounds like an eternity to some people. Having missed me during the holidays this year, I’m sure my family has felt my absence. But for me, I feel like I haven’t been gone nearly long enough. I feel as if I have finally put one foot forward into a world I honestly don’t know anything about, and suddenly… in about 26 days, I have to take steps right back to where I was. I’m not certain what will become of me there.
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This semester has been unlike the first. I’ve become a fly on the wall in Ikebukuro and also in my personal life. Somehow these days, I float in a state of melancholy as I observe these times. But at the same time it’s not sad at all. It’s a calm acceptance.

Meeting and parting ways, though still tugs at my chest like no other, has turned into both a dull feeling of… “this is how life is”, and the excitement of, “when will I see you again.”

This year I feel like I have learned an incredible amount, but at the same time it’s like I’ve learned nothing at all. With all I have gained inside of myself, it doesn’t really change a single thing. I am still this person I have always been. Feelings only become that dull acceptance. Does that make life easier? I haven’t decided, but to be truthful it’s just a different kind of disconcern.

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But life is great. Breathing. Touching another person. Laughing. Seeing all of these beautiful moments that I can’t stop taking pictures of. Some days it is like nirvana. There is no sense of content or discontent. Things just are. And those are the moments that I think; I am actually alive and I am actually experiencing whatever life is.

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But I’m a person that is afraid. In a world I believe there are no constants. I still struggle with friendships and the commitment people call love. Maybe I will always find it pointless inside of me, but the connections I have made the past year… The people I call friends. The ones I can smile at. The people I could hug and wonder, “how do you love someone?” It has changed my world and given me this huge feeling in my heart and opened the world to me. Even if it’s on my own, there is so much in front of me to see. Somehow on my own path.

So even though I don’t know what to do when this clock screams in alarm that my time here is over… I will keep walking forward into everything that I have no clue about. In life we can only say, “I tried.”

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“Thank You.”

Being abroad I’ve thought about my past a lot. Closing doors that don’t need to remain open. Accepting what was in order to move on to what is. And learning to say thank you instead of hold a grudge.

I write a lot of letters I never give. I lot of poems, journals, short stories, that will never see the hands of another (As far as I can control). But I felt like writing an ambiguous thank you.

Thank you for leaving me when I needed you the most. You taught me so young that nothing is permanent. That the people that should love you the most, tend to you the most, can easily push you aside to focus on their own selfish young selves. Thank you for replacing me. With others, with materials, with substances.

Thank you for teaching me to rely on myself. How to make due with the few resources. How to get from point A to point B alone. How to see in the dark in order to protect myself from what lurks there. How to work for everything I needed and wanted. Thank you for teaching me to value a family, no matter how they became that way.

Thank you for running away from not just yourself, but from me. You wanted to find yourself, and you wanted to lose yourself. You kept me at a distance. Thank you for making me feel like a burden on your life.

Thank you for teaching me that my existence is valuable. That even when people turn their backs, somehow, I had helped. Thank you for showing me that even though I can’t feel it, I can change people’s lives.

Thank you for always blaming me. Thank you for calling me stupid. A bitch. Irrational. Thank you for pushing me and shoving me and replacing me. Thank you for still constantly reminding me that sometimes the people you give the most to, only take away from you.

Thank you for showing me how to respect myself. For showing me how to notice when someone is playing my emotions. Thanking you for giving me the strength to show myself how far I can come on my own. Thank you for breaking me into finding my voice again.

Thank you for using me. Thank you for showing me that someone can hold you so gently but not care about you at all. Thank you for showing me uncertainty.

Thank you for teaching me how to be more selfish. How to not let people treat me badly. How to stand up for myself and what I believe. Thank you for teaching me how to have fun even if it means nothing. How to realise that I shouldn’t believe in mistakes. Thank you for showing me that people who seem the strongest can be really weak. Thank you for showing me it’s possible to love again and thank you for showing me how love should make you feel.

Thank you for shaping me into the person that I am.

Thank you.

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Where Does the Road End?

I just felt like writing. Expressing.

I get in these moments where I just want to talk to anyone, but I realise… there isn’t anyone I believe can listen. I can tell all these things, express my feelings, but it’s not that anyone can really understand, and how do you determine if they even care? I guess honestly, that’s why I do so much personal things on the internet. A way to express myself in a way like minded others can find me. Maybe I can’t make the proper connections personally, but somehow people like my words virtually.

As I’m inching closer and closer to returning to the states, I hate it. Every second, every thought, turns into a reflection. An uncontrolled web of emotions and memories. Almost unbearable at times. But there’s something new… something I didn’t have when I came here. Acceptance.
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Acceptance that life is a staircase that has no end. A mountain that has no peak. I just keep going up. Maybe sometimes you rest in one place for awhile. Maybe you fall back down a few steps. Some people even pick one place to stay forever. But I’ve learned about myself is that, there isn’t an end for me. The time that I stop climbing is the day that I die.

Even just last month I had this thought that Japan wasn’t the place I could stay. But now I know that my time isn’t done here as I’m nearing my end. I think I’ll come back here. I’m only just reaching a point of tying up loose ends. A point of accepting what it means to be alone and letting go of love. Accepting that what I want out of life is something that maybe certain people will never understand. But it’s okay.

Family can sometimes be old fashioned. Find a man. Marry. Have kids. I see all of the ones I graduated high school with. Serious relationships. Marriage. Kids. For a time I thought… I’m missing out. I’m not living properly. And even now I feel that our lives are so different there is no way we can connect… But, acceptance. Acceptance that the ones that are meant to stay in my world will stay, and that as I silently support them, they are silently supporting me.

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Society says, career. Pick one job. Keep working hard. Get to the top. But I don’t want that. I want to bounce from place to place. I want to meet people in all walks of life. I want to keep learning new skills and experiencing new environments.

People will tell me… generation Y. How we were all raised with pointless dreams. Trophies for accomplishing nothing. Entitled. Selfish. The list goes on. But I think these older generations are bitter on the things that they didn’t have. The life that they wanted to see, but they chose societies way. They chose a way of survival that they were taught they needed for their time. But time is constantly changing.

The world that I live in… it’s endless. Instead of conquering countries, we want to understand them. Instead of killing and pushing natives from their lands, we want to make life long friends. And even through all human kind thinks they have accomplished… living harmoniously with this earth isn’t one of them.

It’s far fetched. It’s a dreamers attitude. But it is me. I used to focus so negatively on the feelings in my heart… Being always alone. Not having a place to ever call my home. Not understanding family or relationships. But these things… they don’t need to hold me back, but rather propel me forward. Forward into a world that I can learn from.

Life is never easy, but if anything, I want to make it worth it.

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Slut Shamed…

 

The most important lesson I’m learning about being abroad is to love yourself and who you are. Because we are all different, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I thought it would be easier to post this video than write a blog about it as sometimes my words get jumbled. (I’m still active on my youtube and have some Australia vlogs there too if you wanted to know more about that~)