But Look At What I See.

I’ve noticed something common with two people I used to hold very dear to my heart. People call it caring or even love, but I can’t accept that. I’ve noticed that if someone comes to know me, they just want me to change. It’s always their version of “happiness” I’m supposed to adopt and live.

I tried really hard once. To fit everything a person a told me to be. Laugh and smile more. Talk more. Dress conservatively. Keep your eyes level. I became a very miserable person.

Not long ago I was told seemingly similar things. Cut your hair. Wear more make-up. Talk to people. Don’t be negative.

Of course, some of these things I have adopted into my outward appearance. But if you were in my head, of course I am just the person I am. Maybe it’s true. Maybe I do cause myself unnecessary pain sometimes. But the these small things I notice by looking down. Not squashing the bugs beneath my feet. Saving slugs and worms from the sidewalk. Seeing plants begin to bloom in Spring. And those times that I do look up… the wonderful sky that I love so much.

Just because I have no faith in people does not mean I don’t see the beauty and happiness in the world. Of course I love to hear a person’s thoughts on me. But I am who I am. And I’ve learned I will never try to fit another person’s mould of me again.

Enjoy the days where everything looks like art.

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I’ve been thinking about you again.

Images keep flooding my mind when I try to sleep at night.

Sometimes it’s almost if I can feel and hear you.


I can help but miss it though.

I think about the past too much, I know.

But silly conversations,

The tears,

The love.

It doesn’t just disappear for me.

I’m not so great at letting go like everyone else.

And even though I am a person who will never know real love,

The pretend love is a fun game.

I would do it all over again.

I miss you sometimes. I hope you are well.


Why “20 Somethings” Articles Are Rubbish

I think daily on my Facebook newsfeed I see at least two articles claiming what should be done in one’s 20’s. “10 Places To Visit In Your 20’s”. “20 Things You Must Do In Your 20’s”. “Why Your 20’s Are The Best Years of Your Life”.

I’m not saying that the information and inspiration in these articles is garbage, but what is this “20 Something” business? Why limit life to your 20’s? The same way your parents tell you “high school is the best years of your life”, why are people swallowing the same spit we’ve always been given?

There is also the counter side of your 20’s. The “work hard now so you can play later” side. The side that thinks your 20’s is about buckling down and getting your life on course before your 30’s.

Why are you limiting/pressuring yourself at all?

Currently I am 23. I should have graduated this year with a degree in Biological Sciences and a minor in Chemistry and probably have found a lab to work in by the end of this year. At the start of 22 I had a 6 year relationship who I thought I’d just settle down with. I was on the buckle down track. Even though it wasn’t what I wanted. I was doing what I thought was expected of me. I was doing what I thought people would be most proud of.

I turned 23 a single lass vowing to never look back. I turned 23 having changed my major to Japanese with a minor in International Business. I turned 23 with open eyes to the massive world in front of me. At first, and even still at times, I think, ‘Damn, I’m 23 and what have I accomplished?’ But more often now I think, I am learning to love myself and I am living this life that I want. I hope I can travel the world. I never want to settle down. I want what people will always call an unrealistic life. And that is perfect to me.

People gasp at that. But it’s the same way I gasp any time a friend becomes married or has babies. There is nothing wrong with how you choose to live your life at any age as long as you are happy. (And of course not tragically hurting others.)

If you are in your teens freaking out because you have no idea about college. You have time. Play it day by day and do what you love. The rest will fall in place.

If you’re in your 20’s and graduated with a job and a family already. Awesome. Not everyone needs to visit 20 places in their 20’s to be fulfilled. If you’re in your 20’s traveling the world and still trying to figure out what you want. Awesome. Keep doing what is making you happy until you figure it out. Maybe traveling and working odd jobs IS what you want to do.

30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s. WHO CARES!

The thing about life is that it is your own. We all read these articles. We all look at what we consider accomplishments in our friend’s lives. Unfortunately we let these things effect our own self views. Should I have waited for children? Should I have gone to college? Should I travel? Should I get married? Should I have casual sex? Should I this? Should I that?

I think the only thing you should do is what makes you happy with your life.

Thoughts From A Brazilian BBQ

Today I got invited to attend a Brazilian BBQ! I feel like I wrote about the Brazilian girl I met awhile back.. but finally I was able to attend a gathering she invited me to. (More like I finally sucked up my anxiety and went.)

And I am so happy I did! I’ve always wanted to visit Brazil just because it looked pretty, but the people are AMAZING! So friendly and fun and the food… SO GOOD!

They also made a Brazilian drink called, CAIPIRINHA~ I was a little worried about it at first.. They cut up lemons and added sugar then only vodka. I don’t know how you do drinks, but for me I’m always mixing in all kinds of juice. I was sure it was going to be awful, but it was so delicious! Probably the best drink I’ve had this year. I wish I wouldn’t have had homework to do for the week or else I would have had a lot to drink. ^^

I probably gained ten pounds today from all the meat they had. Mostly I ate chicken and a type of garlic bread. But they also had tomatoes, rice, and beef, maybe even pork too. Of course we played soccer! I miss soccer so much. I think I need to start running so I can play with friends more often.

Experiences like this are always so rewarding for me. With my anxiety it’s so easy for me to think I should just be happy with what I have. But meeting new people and experiencing new things are the best things in the world I think.

I get so caught up in my anxiety moods I forget how amazing the world is. I forget how amazing the people can be. I want to travel so much in my life. I want to experience the places my friends come from. I want to know their culture, try their food, and walk on the same ground as they do.

I want these experiences to be the companionship I can’t find staying still.


Brides & Babies: It’s Not For All Of Us

Currently I should be working on a ten page research paper over Minamata Disease, but it’s the final stretch of the semester and procrastination is at it’s finest.

Recently my best friend’s wife had the most adorable twin boys I’ve laid eyes on, and it got me thinking… I’ve been watching my friends pop out little squishy humans since before we even graduated high school. As cute as they are and as happy as I am for these friends, there is still a part of me that just thinks; hell no.

I remember being a small child thinking I would grow up, get married (to a man who would not only take care of our twins, but do anything I asked for in general), and pop out the two squishies I just mentioned. However, my ideas couldn’t be more different now.

Often times you hear people scoff at what I’m about to say. I don’t want to get married or have children. People always say, “Oh, one day you’ll change your mind.” Firstly, if any dude gets me to say yes to the question, it’s a miracle in itself, let alone convincing me a child is a fine and dandy idea.

I think we’ve all been in the situation where we are forced to watch awkwardly while someone else talks to their child in a way we find unfavourable. We think, “Ugh. Who let them have children?” Yet, when people like myself say I don’t want kids, we are often told we are just selfish or we’ll change our mind some day.

Don’t get me wrong, if by accident a little squishy made root in my womb I would own up to it and do the best damn job I could do, but people have their reasons for wanting to stay far away from parenthood, and it’s fine.

Some of us just think pregnancy is gross. Some women can look at another woman’s swollen belly and think it’s the most adorable thing in the world. Maybe it is! But when we think of pregnancy all we can think of is scenes from a horror movie. There is this little bug in there, growing away. Sometimes you can see it’s little feet imprints, and that’s just messed up. Your body blows up inside and out in more ways than I care to think about. Yes, it’s awesome the female body can create life and all this other miracle body talk, but the way I see it… If I’m more freaked out about what my body is going to do to me, maybe I shouldn’t have kids.

Some of us remember all too clearly the hardships of childhood. We all say we don’t want to make the same mistakes our parents made. I think 9 times out of 10, everyone makes the same mistakes their parents did in one way or another. This is a human being you have in your hands. It’s going to grow and you’re going to try to force it to grow in the way you see fit. This human is going to feel attacked by you. This human is going to have days that it hates you. Never in my whole life do I want to make any human feel from me the things I felt from those closest to me.

Some of us have raging commitment Issues. Sometimes people don’t work. I’m from a split home. And the situations weren’t fun at all and only escalated the older I became. So this little one thinks relationships are a house of lies. Some of us can’t be stable in a relationship and we know that. Some others simply like to play. There is nothing wrong with any of these things. If you like to meet people and split once it becomes routine, good for you. If you want to pull out the wedding planner on the second date, good for you. We all go about relationships differently, but one thing that holds true for all is that you honestly never know if it’s something that will last forever.

I could list on and on things that could steer a person away from childhood. No matter what I say the end argument would be; you people are just selfish.

You know what, we are. We would rather take care of ourselves than another life because we can admit that we would most likely be no good at it. I can say to you dead in the eye, hell yeah I’d rather wake up one morning, quit my job, and go hiking in the mountains for a month than wake up and change a diaper.

For that exact reason I know I don’t want children. It takes a special person to be a parent. And even if I could drop everything and change to accommodate new life, I don’t want to. And that says enough. I think if you have flaws that you see getting in the way of you being a good parent, it’s amazing to admit, maybe it’s not for me.