Observer Notes

I’m having a bit of procrastination right now. Kanji is totally killing my brain the past two days, and kind of discouraging as I realise how little I actually memorised from the second part of my summer courses.

So I’m here at Starbucks again for day 2 of mysterious child looking girl-woman. I’ve decided that although cafes are busy and kind of loud and hectic, with head phones in you can actually be extremely productive. Libraries have always been too quiet and dead for me to be able to focus at them. And forget focusing on seriousness at home. But after my few days at Starbucks I’m thinking I’ll need to find a nice cafe near my apartment in Japan to handle my homework and blogging affairs.

I’ve also learned.. pro tip here… that out here in busy Californ.I.A, there is no time for knocking! Whenever I frequent the bathroom I get odd looks as a press my hear to the door in order to hear over the buzzing conversations around me and give a tap tap to the door. So today I’m in a perfect position to understand why my seemingly normal to me behaviour looks so odd. I’ve enjoyed several awkward moments of “oh excuse me, I had no idea someone might be here.” So.. if you’re visiting out here, be sure to lock the door.

Also, did you know the old story of folks wanting to talk because of noticing a book? I guess the old cliche is true. A worker wanted to converse with me over our common read of Murakami’s “Dance Dance Dance”. Not that I’ve gotten far enough to have a conversation about it. So this is how you meet people in the outside world? Guess I should make time to read more often.

Ah yes, a child got lucky and the person in front of him locked the door so his poor eyes were not scarred for eternity.

Tomorrow I’m off to Vegas for a night. Don’t get cheeky… it’s not to reinact The Hangover. Pure business here. ^^ My next few days should be more free. I’ve been working a bit on filming, but this weekend should be more promising for film and photography as I said before.

I’d really love to post some photos now, but then I’d lack for Augusts picture post, so here’s my luggage I painted just because I feel like I can’t have two purely text posts in a row.

Back to the studies and inappropriate music as I resume my role as baby faced Starbucks girl.

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Hey Oh~

Currently I’m at a bustling Starbucks in L.A California. I’ve been here since about 8 a.m studying kanji and making calls in preparation to head to Japan on Monday. I think in these past few hours there hasn’t been a moment of peace for the baristas.

I love L.A. If any place has ever felt like home, it’s L.A. I’m not sure why. I’ve never roamed the streets freely or made friends or stayed around longer than a few days, but every time I arrive in this area, a calm surrounds me and I feel at peace.

Even though I hear L.A is dangerous, even though I hate the arrogance that the city carries with it and how much people worry about their appearance and selves, this city is cozy.

I’ve spent the past couple of days traveling. To Chicago, and now to here. I’ll hit Vegas in a few days for a day and then back to my cozy place until I depart for Japan.

It’s been an experience until now. Things are falling into place and time is moving. I’m interested to see where things keep going. I haven’t studied much Japanese since class ended a bit over a week ago. Until today. Today I am intensely studying kanji. Which is why I’m typing now. My eyes are beginning to cross and my head hurts from all the characters. ^^;

Sunday I hope to update several photos for a month in August.

As I wrote for my school blog, I have no idea how much I will have time for blogging. I hope to make Sundays in Japan a day for Holly. Where I can blog for both my platforms and also edit and post videos for youtube. But you know what they say about the best laid plans.

So look forward to photos soon, I know it’s been too long! But I should have some lovely ones by that point!

Ta-ta for now~

Sad Stories.

Flat nails scratch at my face.
My skin is on fire.
There are pins poking every inch of me encouraging the flames.

Vomit runs down my chin.
My eyes puff up from tears and nervous rubbing.
My body shakes and I tremble as my teeth chatter.

I’m not cold.
I’m on fire.

Don’t let this define you.
Give up. Stop living.

Don’t let this hinder you.
No one understands. No one supports you.

Remember all that their is to live for.
You’re such a failure.

Remember how strong you are.
You’re so weak. Your life will never amount to a thing.

I say, “anxiety doesn’t define me.”

But sometimes I dread…
What if it does.

What if I’m nothing more than an empty shell?
What if I’m just another sad story of a person who should have asked for help?

Do they think it’s that easy?
Just asking for help?

Why can’t I be fixed?
Why can’t I be cured?
Why am I so fucked up?

What did I do that was so wrong to think this way?

I don’t want anxiety to control me.

But it does every single day.

Breathe like this.
Take a step back.
Remember you are stronger than this.
Hold your food down.
Drink more water.
You forgot your medicine.
You should probably talk about your feelings.
Take risks.
Ease your heart.

I don’t know what to feel.
I don’t know what to think.

I don’t want anxiety to control me.

I don’t want to be another sad story.

The Friends We Grow Up With

I have 5 days until I leave my college town. 10 days until I leave Michigan. 14 days until I leave the states entirely.

I remember counting several months like it was yesterday. I remember talking to my
“先輩” (upper classmates) about their experiences and joys and struggles when they went abroad for the first time. I remember absorbing it all like a little sponge just beaming because I would be in that position soon.

I keep thinking about those moments. This past year. In 5 days I officially am separated from it. I’ve spent this year sorting out and learning more about my anxiety disorder. I’ve proved that it is indeed possible to be friends with your ex. Live with them even! And most importantly, challenging myself to let others know me.

That’s been the hardest. Because it is such an empty thing. Get to know me so we can part ways. I still don’t understand such a thing. I had a thought once this year, “how many people like you can I meet?” I’ve met varies people this year. People who hide behind masks. People who do seemingly awful things, but have the biggest hearts. People who never make excuses for their actions. And people who have every excuse in the book. People who are sensitive. People that are afraid. People who simply exist to live this life to get it over with.

And though I think often… Certain people weren’t worth getting to know. Weren’t worth trusting. And in the end just proved more reason to why others aren’t worth close connections and sharing secrets with. I couldn’t have learned all I have this year with out each of them.

And those I grew up with… those people who know my past and my struggles and the small windows I’ve opened as we grew through our teen years, they have become more valuable than I ever thought possible. This small handful of ones from my so called youth… when I think of them and their lives and how still to this day, their support reaches me, I realise that if I never meet another person again that can prove to me friendship is worth something, to have these select people to remember… well, that is enough for me.

These people who some how know when to send a random message. These people who take time out their busy lives to see me. These people who think about me every day just as I think of them. The ones I’ve survived nasty fights with. The ones we could cry about our childhoods with. The ones I’ve wished upon stars with. The ones I’ve held their hair back. The ones who I could truly be myself with. The ones who never once asked me to change. The ones who really loved me for who I am. Awful faults and all. I hope one day to meet others like this. But maybe because of these people my standards are too high.

I’m not really sure what I’m saying or why I’m writing. I think a piece of me needs to say goodbye to a few things I’ve lost in the past several months. I think perhaps I just needed to clear my head and express these things in order to make room for the journey I’m about to embark on.

I have two weeks to soak in these faces I grew up with. Two weeks to express how much these friends mean to me and will always mean to me. No matter how I’m hurt or feel like friendships don’t matter, these faces prove how wrong I am.

Just because no one has proved to be as loyal as these few, that’s nothing to be sad about at all. I’m really grateful to have an unbeatable standard when it comes to friendship.

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My First Time: Skating!

I’ve been feeling waves of emotion as a prepare to leave the country, one of them being; I’m not doing enough. I feel restless. I feel a bit worthless and unworthy. I feel locked inside too much. Because I have been trying to only study I guess maybe I’m stir crazy. I really needed something new to do. I have always wanted to learn to skate but occasionally the fear of failing stops me. I decided, fall down. Fall down and pick yourself up. This is much like my life. Fall down, get back up. So I had day one of skating the other day and felt so alive. I need to get back out again and learn some more!

My Favourite Outfit

Honestly, I didn’t want to officially wear this outfit until I was in Japan. But LOOK at it!

I’m no model, and it could certainly be rockin’ on those babe models, but I feel super cute in this outfit and can’t wait to head out to Izakaya in Japan in it!

Top: H&M
Bottoms: GUESS
Shoes: The same boots as last time;3
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Of course I had to get one of those “coy” black and white pictures.IMG_4005_Fotor

The pants are super easy to move in despite being half pleather! And this top actually makes my body look more womanly. It looks weird to me in photos because I’m not used to it at all! And it had me dreaming I had a real photographer to capture me at all the right angles. 

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With a lot of lace pieces it seems that they are itchy and uncomfortable, but with this top you can’t even tell there’s lace!

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The back is full lace, so I again recommend getting some stick on boobies for this top.
(I seriously need to invest.)

IMG_3894_Fotor IMG_3865_FotorThanks for checking it out!

Also.. I filmed a little skateboarding action (well attempted action) for my youtube. Let me know if you’re interested in me posting it here too!

Chyuuuuu~

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