Sex, Drugs & Rock-N-Roll: Chats with Dad

Chats with my dad are something I have always held extremely valuable. I remember growing up with my single dad and we never really had to say much. He was this super cool guy and I was a weird little girl. From what I remember mostly our time was spent over going to the theatre and spending our nights with ice cream and some Mt. Dew.

It was the life I loved, just my dad and I. As I grew up our relationship changed intensely, but now I as I grow to care less about the past and more about the future, I find that my dad is even cooler than I had thought as a wee one.

It’s funny how that happens. As kids, who would have thought that our parents had lives?

My dad was 23 or 24 when I was born. That’s my age range! I can’t imagine having a rugrat running around right now. And yet, all of the stories he can tell me about his life leave me feeling excited to live my own.

There’s something about hearing a dad say, “I’m proud of you” that just hits every cord in your body. I wonder why… It’s not something I heard much living at home, but through out this past year, my dad always some how takes a moment to tell me.

Whether it be talking about the day of my birth, or bragging to friends about my plans, or even saying to me, “you’ve become a whole new person”. As I near my departure for Japan, these words my dad and I exchange over classic rock music make me want to try even harder.

It’s my insecurities that say this, but I always think… what are you even proud of? Lots of people go abroad. Lots of kids finish college. I’m late to graduate, I don’t want to marry or have kids, and let’s be honest… for as “smart and mature” as I am, I’m also equally a little shit.

But still… my dad is impressed by me. You can actually see it in his eyes, so as much as I was want to say he is just humouring me, I know that he truly believes his words.

And for the first time I know that anything I do in life, my dad will be proud of me. To any country I visit, any job that I have, he will still brag about me and make it sound as if I am the only child in the world that could have done it.

Yeah.. I have to tell myself many times a day to get through my anxiety fits, “live this life for you”, however… as much as I wish I could be, I can never make myself to be so selfish. So knowing I have my dad’s support… I know that this path I’m choosing to walk isn’t just for me. It’s for my dad, and anyone who has ever believed in me.

Vegetables and Equality.

Today I woke up to marriage equality here in America. It’s about time, right?

Someone asked me once, if you don’t believe in marriage, why do you care if ‘the gays’ can get married? For me, when it comes to things like this it’s simple. I don’t care much for vegetables. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think other people shouldn’t eat them, and I would certainly never discriminate them.

The biggest argument anyone has over marriage equality is that it supposedly goes against God.  “Marriage” is supposed to be sacred. And yet… as I look around me I see divorce increase, and learn the many ways people can cheat on their spouses. Please tell me again how sacred marriage is.

Marriage is nothing more than a label. Being able to get married doesn’t change the level of commitment two people have together. It doesn’t change the love that exists between them. Even before marriage equality, it wasn’t going to stop people loving who they love.

Marriage is nothing more than a legal document. So what does it matter who can get married? It’s the fact that in this country we are all equal. Regardless of race, gender, sexuality, what type of vegetables we eat, we all should be given the same rights. For America to truly stand up to its call of promise and equality, the very citizens living here should be able to see that promise.

Through this whole year as I’ve been preparing to leave for Japan I have been seeing the nasty news all through the web of the horrible things in my country. I’ve been thinking, I really can’t wait to leave this place. Of course, there are worse things and places. And every country has it’s faults. But for the place you call home, of course it’s easier to become more disappointed in them when you feel let down.

However, today because of this news I am so happy to see my country taking a step in a more positive direction. I truly hope one day I can look at my country and feel proud of where I come from.

And not only in my country, I hope that around the world people will come together as they have here to fight for the rights of one another. I want everyone in the world to be able to love whoever they choose in public. I want the rich to reach out to the poor. The people who run our countries to give a shit about the people. And for these leaders to also understand we are all different and our differences don’t have to mean war.

We are all people. We all crave similar things. And regardless of what vegetables we like, we should support one another.

June Picture Post

As promised; picture post! Just a quickie^^

Spring had finally sprung this month and now we are moving into hotter, more humid days! Many are mad we’ve been having such a rainy summer, but I love the rain, so I haven’t been minding so much! After all, the plants are so happy this year!
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If you follow me on youtube, you know I have a nephew!! I got to witness the c-section and was the very first person to hold him. (aside from the nurses). It was a magical experience I’m glad I was able to be a part of.

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Other than that, I’ve been busy studying… And I still feel like I’m getting no where… But I’ll keep pushing on!

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The past month has been a lot of reflection. I’m sorting out many feelings and preparing to move on towards Japan. July is promising to be a very eventful month, so stay tuned!

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Uh… Where Have I Been?

Hey everyone! Sorry I’ve been MIA. A lot has been going on. Super busy with Japanese class and I’ve been sick with a kidney stone! But I’m getting better! I went through one of my depressions stages and didn’t want to post such negative feelings. I want to do my best to be more positive here for everyone!

I’ll still post truth! But hopefully a decent balance of good and bad.

I hope to get some photography up soon!

Dear Stranger,

To practice Japanese, I started writing pretend letters. But for what I’m feeling today I couldn’t even begin to express in Japanese, so I’ll leave it here.

Dear Stranger,

There are so many things no one can know. And so many things I don’t understand.

But in reality, I believe falling in love with people you can never be with is the most beneficial love. Aren’t I known for thinking backwards?

We’re told everyone has a perfect match in this world. A soul mate or whatever. And we all grow up thinking this way. “When will my perfect person come along?” Some people actually strive for that so much they forget about everything else. They go blindly to anyone who calls them in hopes that this is the one. Often times they end up used and never create any real goals for themselves. I’ve watched many people become broken this way.

Or say you do find someone you believe is your perfect match. Someone that you think you could spend this so called life with in peace and go about your routine with out a struggle. Marriage, house, kids. You do what we’re raised to do. To me, this is a stale life. I honestly believe people can be happy this way of course. But to watch from the outside, or even to reflect on yourself when you’ve gotten out of a long relationship, you see everything that was once important fades away. Your dreams aren’t so important, improving yourself isn’t so important, all because you found someone to be comfortable with. There’s nothing wrong with being comfortable, but in my opinion, it’s a bit of waste for a life. And I have been there.

I like to understand things. At least try. I feel like everything has some hidden meaning, even if it actually doesn’t. So let’s pretend we’re reading a script from a romantic comedy. The girl just gets left by the guy and she’s left wondering, “why do I always fall for the wrong guy?!”

I think it’s a little obvious. Just like our friendships, the people we choose to care about in a romantic way are people who will eventually shape something about ourselves. I think maybe the only reason we fall for a person is because we see in them the things that we wish we could see in ourselves. The way a person lights up a room. The way they don’t seem to care about anything. The way they can make your “flaws” sound like art.

We admire in others the things we don’t see in ourselves and we like the way that others can make us feel when we can’t seem to do it for ourselves. In general I think that’s why humans have such a hard time being alone. I don’t think you ever really fall for the wrong person.

I think people stay together for the wrong reasons. I think people try to date others they aren’t really compatible with. I think people make life long commitments with out really understanding what that means.

But falling for someone. I don’t think that’s ever wrong. A human heart and mind are really fragile things if you knock down the walls that we all seem to build around ourselves. I think that, in whatever love is supposed to be, there isn’t a wrong or right. Simply, you just need to realise each situation for what it is, take what you need, and grow.

I think that if you aren’t growing, you aren’t really living at all. Whether you fall in love with endless amounts of people or you fall in love with only a select few, each one is important and never a mistake. Which is the only reason that love hurts so much. We learn our most valuable lessons when it hurts.

But as my favourite childhood movie states, “Yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it.”

幸せは何だ?

Lately I’ve been wondering, “What’s happiness?”

I ask this question a lot. People often say things like, “do what makes you happy”, “who cares as long as you’re happy”, “the only thing that matters in life is happiness.” But what is happiness? Is just smiling happiness? How long do you have to feel that feeling? Is just a fleeting moment still considered happy? Or do you need to go at least a day or two feeling great? A fault I have is always asking questions like this. So I decided to try and be simple for a second and list the little things that may or may not be “happiness”.

*When the leaves change colour in Autumn
*When Jack the cat cuddles me at night
*Taking of your pants when you walk through the door
*Being able to walk around naked when no one is home
*Watching animals play
*Looking at the sky
*Stars
*The moon
*Sunsets
*The sunrise
*When someone plays with your hair
*Asking and answering personal questions at 3 a.m.
*Feeling supported
*Baby animals
*Thunderstorms
*When a breeze ruffles your hair on a warm day
*The sound of waves
*Cuddles
*Climbing into cold sheets stark nakey
*Capri Sun
*Untouched snow
*And I guess many various things and personal feelings.

So there is a lot to smile about. But being me, each of these things also has a sad memory. I live in a very grey world where one thing is nothing without the opposite attached.

But the point is… even if I am the way I am, I still have reasons to smile.