My friends in Japan often tease me a bit because I enjoy watching a Japanese TV program titled, Terrace House. I’m still not so great at defending my likes when people tease me for them yet, so usually I just say I watch the show so I have more opportunity to listen to Japanese. But truthfully, I find it pretty inspiring.
One of my favourite things about Japanese culture is the “do your best” attitude. Of course everything in moderation, but in a general sense, it was so easy for me to become inspired during my time in Japan because everyone around me was constantly doing their best. Sometimes here in the states I become effected by everyone else… we tend to only do the minimum to succeed, or feel things don’t matter so much. So I find myself becoming depressed more often and every day is hard to find reason to keep motivated.
Since graduating it seems people feel more of a need to comment on what I do with my life. How much money I should make, where I should live, etc. I’ve lost recently the sense that I know what’s best for me. I keep thinking I’ve found the path I want most, but then something makes me doubtful. I want to believe in myself more like I had a couple years ago.
As I watch Terrace House, I started to relate to a member, Arman. He and I have a similar outlook on life, but I felt that it must simply be because we are American. I thought maybe this was a fault in us; our carefree, go with the flow type of attitude.
However, in an episode I just finished, he was greatly complimented by someone older. That he should never change, and that his career aspirations shouldn’t change him or define him. It should remain his attitude that is his sole life purpose.
Being the same age as Arman, I guess it also meant something. I’m not sure why we do it, but we put such a strict timeline on ourselves. I should have a house by this age, married by this age, children by this age, a proper career by now, etc. But I’ve never felt it mattered so much… Accomplishments can be made at any age, and just by reaching a certain age, accomplishments shouldn’t stop. When I was younger, I had felt at 25 I would have done all of the things listed above, but now that I am 25, all of those things are the least important to me.
It’s hard to find people that truly understand that feeling, or at least accept it. I’m noticing patterns in myself as far as my negative behaviour can be, and how much of an impact that can have on my depression and anxiety. I know that with my brain being this way, things can be more difficult, but I am trying to become even stronger than the person that I was when I was also doing my best.
I’m not sure the best way to pursue the things I’m aiming for, or how to deal with the doubtful feelings surrounding them, but I’m hoping that I can work on it and become more of the person I long to be. I hope that somehow I can return to the Holly that didn’t care about the negative opinions of others.