My Head Is A Mess

I just need a place to put words. I can’t speak to a camera the way I can spell out words.

Why is my head such a mess?

Why can I see all these great possibilities but still feel so empty? Why can’t I sleep? Why won’t my anxiety go away? Am I going to die sad? Why does it hurt when he hugs me? Why can’t I escape from anything? What am I doing? Will everything be okay? Will I ever believe someone loves me? Will I ever be happy? Will my eyes stop looking sad?

Why?

I like to pretend I’m something larger than life. Like all of these awful feelings I have, all these miserable things I’ve seen and felt… I like to pretend I was put here to keep all of that away from others. Like I’m this big punching bag for someone in the universe. They live a happy life while I attract all of the negativity so they don’t endure it. Weird? Yeah.. pretty weird to actually say.

But it makes it feel worth it I guess.

I don’t want to be this way though. I don’t want to constantly become down out of nowhere. I don’t want to feel like one day I won’t be able to take it anymore. I don’t want that all.

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August Picture Post

Hey everyone! Sorry if this post seems a little rushed. I have awful allergies right now and it’s hard to focus on typing. Honestly I think I’m going to pass out for the night. I haven’t been sleeping well, so I welcome it!

 

I spent a lot of the month focused on my YouTube channel which was really fun! I hope now that things are getting busy I can still put a good amount of time to it, because I really love making fun videos. I actually reached 100 followers and that’s crazy to me.

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A friend came to visit me this month which was nice. She wasn’t there for me when Shad and I split, and typically doesn’t get ahold of me when I’m in our home town. But I was glad she took time to come visit and support me. I had a lot of fun:)

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We finally have a nice cool day every once and awhile which makes me super happy! I love autumn weather, and I’m super pumped to be able to wear clothes I actually like again!

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Look what I discovered recently… I’m obsessed! Today I bought full bananas and dark chocolate and hope to make my own instead of paying so much more for a small box. But these things are heaven!

 

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I got a Mac! I’m still not really sure how to do a lot of things on it… I’m doing this from my dell since I don’t know how to screen shot and work with photos. I mostly wanted a mac to work with my hd filming and to have a better video editor, so those things I’m happy with:)

 

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I spent a couple days in my home town this week and finally was able to do my favorite thing; look at the sky. It hit me that Tuesday starts a whole new chapter. I’ll be following my dreams. It’s been a really hard year for me emotionally. Anxiety, friends dealing with heroin addictions, losing friends, facing my fears, coming to terms with the end of my 6 year relationship. I’m a person that for some reason lives off of hardship… But this year I am hoping to learn that it’s okay to smile and mean it sometimes. I just want to believe in myself.

 

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Lights, Music, Action

I don’t think I ever explained why I take photos like I do. I feel something a little empowering maybe about taking pictures. I usually take them when I’m feeling down, because even though I typically only get 4 good ones out of an embarrassing amount, I have fun making silly faces and dancing around to music while the camera captures everything. Being able to laugh at myself is a huge relief and why I also love youtube so much. (cupoftee1000) Tonight I needed a pick me up and did some of this:3

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Why Is This About Race?

Typically I don’t write about these things. It’s too easy to be misunderstood and the last thing I want is to offend anyone. So before I start, I’m speaking as a human being.

I’ve been dying to delete my facebook again, but have waited since my best friend just finally had her baby last night and I wanted to see all the cute little baby pictures. Sadly while waiting for those all facebook has been bombarded with is ALS Ice Bucket Challenge hate and what is currently going on with police shooting young African Americans. We’ll be talking about the latter.

I have a predominately white facebook, so a lot of things I see are obviously white people feeling like they need to defend themselves or mostly just posting articles about other white people that have been killed and not publicized by the police and media. 

The fact that the American citizens are that quick to jump to a side baffles me. Shouldn’t we stick up for one another? I’m not naive enough to say that racism will ever not exist, but the first step into that direction would be to stop making everything about race! Be proud of your race whoever you are, and don’ judge others for they are, and every time something negative happens, stop blaming it on your race.

The point of this current situation shouldn’t be a battle to show off how many people of one race have been killed, and should be why is this happening in the first place to anyone? Why do police have the right to murder an innocent person so easily? Why aren’t there stricter rules?

I believe police serve a huge importance, but unfortunately there are some police who you could say are ‘bad cops’ or ‘dirty/corrupted.’ And yeah, maybe some of these shootings really are a complete accident. But for anyone to ever be able to pull a gun and shoot at someone without being threatened first, that’s just beyond me. You know how many times I would have accidentally murdered a friend or family in the night just because I was afraid they were a burglar? First instinct for an officer of the law should never be to reach and shoot.

It shouldn’t be allowed in the first place. If an officer shoots a citizen and there’s no proof that citizen had a gun and was a threat, I believe that officer deserves consequences. I had always thought officers weren’t allowed to shoot unless they were shot at first, but I guess I was wrong.

I don’t know why citizens aren’t concerned about that. Why aren’t they fighting to change the problem instead of creating a bigger unnecessary one? I thought we understood the color of ones skin doesn’t change the fact that we all live in this world  together? But I guess I really am just that naive.

I’m sorry if this in any way offends anyone. I believe you can only judge a person on what is in inside, so it is not my intention to offend any one based on their race.

Through My Eyes

Hey everyone! I thought you guys might be interested in this video since you typically enjoyed my nature pictures and photos in general. Often I hate making vlogs, but I love filming. I just feel like I’m not going to say anything interesting or I’m not doing anything excited. So I tried a new vlogging experience today, kind of focusing on the way I picture things when I’m feeling at peace. I look at things like a beautiful moving photograph, and tried to capture that in this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61LHTbpLNI4

Brighter Days?

I wish I could go to therapy once every two weeks. It’s amazing how just talking things out can clear your mind so much. (Well…I suppose that’s why I should make friends.)

I had therapy yesterday, since as you guys can tell, I was kind of in a pickle. I felt like something in me was going to break, and I never want to be where I was a year ago, struggling just to go on.

Talking in therapy yesterday made me realise I don’t give myself enough credit. I really have come such a long way in just this past year when it comes to my own emotional strength. Yeah, I’m hurting pretty bad… but at least I’m feeling. Typically in situations like these I shut everything down. Then in another year or so I would have just exploded after repressing the rest of the challenges I’m sure I’ll face. But I’ve been trying to cope to the best I know how right now. And I should be proud of that.

I even chatted with Shad about how we need to lighten up our living situation so it’s not so suffocating and suggested ways to do so. It’s still hard seeing him every day, and I don’t think it’ll ever get easy, and honestly will just make the moment we actually walk our separate ways harder, but there has been big improvement at least today. He’s been very considerate of the stuff we’ve encountered today. So that is a huge relief. I’m still on edge, but I’m trying to also remember not to take everything so personally.

I have to keep reminding myself, ‘All I can do is clear my head and keep moving forward.’ Despite my heart hurting, and I guess my pride, there is so much I’m looking forward to. There is so much I want to gain, and I’m hoping soon the pain won’t be so bad and I’ll be heading towards brighter days. I’m starting to feel that if I truly work hard and believe in myself, this could be a year that changes my life.

Stay tuned?

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