Those of you that have been with me for a bit know I get a tad sappy over you lot.
I’ve gotten many new people this week, and thank you all so much, and hello! You’re all showing such love with my writing bits lately, and it’s really reminding me why I started a blog in the first place. To not be afraid to open up. If any of you would like to follow me other places I’ll link below, but I just wanted to make this post to give a huge warm thank you.
You lot are truly bringing me smiles during some down times lately<3
It’s hard to admit defeat. It’s nearly impossible to admit you’ve been broken. But then there are those odd people like me, who for some reason take incredible pride in being hurt. We made it through something right? We were able to feel something so incredible, so challenging, so raw. Yeah… the initial blow may leave us staggering, but it’s only momentary. We know that nothing lasts forever.
People say you never get over your first love. But how do you even define your first love? The first boy you kiss on the playground? The handsome celebrity on t.v? The first person you share your complete self with? I was never able to answer that question. To know anyone, to care about anyone, is an extreme gift. Though I honestly feel that those I care about will 100% always let me down, I can’t deny the feeling of having cared.
How do you get over those you have met though? Does it ever happen? I can still recall a boy whose name I do not remember trying to play a game of ‘show you mine, show me yours’ before I even began school. And though I can’t put a face to him anymore, nor a name, I still wonder some days; how are you?
I feel like we never really forget people. They are simply pushed away some place. But then you have those stronger memories that live with you everyday. Almost as if you are re-living the same moments. When do those go away? I remember so clearly hurting the first person that claimed to love me. I don’t believe this is something that will ever dull in pain.
But I flourish from that. At moments it’s almost depressing. To say things like, this was my one shot to believe in something I had never believed in before. It hurts a little to say that I will never give someone the chance to know me this way again. People believe that time heals all, but I feel some things are like severe wounds. They fester. And I’m not afraid to admit, no matter how awful it sounds, that I never believed in things like true love, and now I know for sure it simply does not exist in this world for me.
What do you think love is? A random spark for a stranger walking down the street? That indescribable connection when your skin accidentally touches? Maybe it’s that first kiss where for once in your life you feel safe and warm and content. Maybe it’s all of those things and more.
I’m a person who falls in life. I fall hard and take pride in pulling myself up, putting together all the little broken bits of who and what I try to think I am; if I am anything at all. Which is why when it comes to love, falling is all I will ever know.
I can meet your eyes and fall in love with the way the sun reflects so brightly from them. I can see your hair blow through the wind and imagine how soft it would be between my fingers. I could imagine the way our lips would meet and the things we would talk about beneath the stars on the cool beach. I can even shudder at the thought of you learning all my secrets and having to hold me while I cry in momentary weakness.
But that’s all I know. How to let someone see me in the same way… how to make my feelings of weakness last… those are things I will never know.
You guys inspired me a bit! So many of you liked my little poetry piece I got a random idea to write! I’ve always loved writing short stories, but the problem is, I never finish them! I thought it could be fun to share random ideas that pop into my head with you on occasion. Maybe I’ll improve my way with words! Plus, I have some bad anxiety tonight probably from the stress of the day, so writing helps distract me. Thank you for your support<3
The sky was black. Darker than the depths of the well that lay deep in the forest. Why was Johnny headed there so late in the night? He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t sleep that night. Nor had he slept much since discovering the well during his adventure a week ago.
His family had just moved from the busy life of the city to some boring hick town. There was still a few weeks until school and the town was a few miles walk in some odd direction. Johnny hated the dirt roads and masses of trees. There were bugs everywhere and he missed the rush of the cars in the middle of the night. The noises from the woods frightened him from his bedroom window. So why was he out in the forest now?
Something had disturbed his already restless sleep. Was it a laugh? It couldn’t be. There weren’t any houses nearby. But what creature out here could sound like a girls laughter? Hyenas only lived in Africa right?
Johnny had done a report on Hyenas once in the third grade. That seemed like such a long time ago now. He was finally thirteen years old. A teenager at last! His father had begun calling him a man and his mother even asking about girls. Like he could meet any cute girls out here. They all probably had missing teeth and braids. They wouldn’t be like the well dressed girls in the city. His friends back home had teased him once they found out he was moving to the rural areas far outside of their town. How was he supposed to fit in here?
In the dim light of the moon Johnny could just make out the grim outline of the well. Bricks were beginning to fall and crumble from the top layer as they were hardly supported from the worn down stones below them. He heard a faint plop as a piece must have reached the bottom. How far down did it go? Johnny stepped lightly to the well’s edge and peered cautiously over the side. The well reminded him of a movie his parents watched once. Johnny shivered.
“Don’t fall in.” Johnny fell backwards as he heard a giggle. His hands hit the ground with a thud into the dry grass. He stood quickly thrashing his head back and forth.
“Who’s there?” He managed to croak. Another tiny giggle broke the eerie silence as a small girl stepped out from behind a tree. Her hair was long and black and she wore a tattered white night gown. Her eyes shown green in the misty moon beams. Was she a ghost? No certainly not.
“I’m Annie.” The weird girl smiled taking quick prances towards Johnny. Johnny instinctively stepped backwards a few paces until a rock threw him off balance. Gravity took control. The well! Johnny panicked as he imagined himself falling forever into blackness.
A soft hand grabbed Johnny’s and pulled him back forward to his knees. He only had to look up slightly to meet eye to eye with the pale girl. Her gaze was serious as she mentioned again. “You don’t want to fall down there.”
Today I’m kind of having a shit day, and that’s saying a lot since my boss bought me ice cream. Instead of ranting about it, since I hate being too personal, I thought I’d share something I wrote today. Which I guess to me is too personal. I don’t like sharing my writing because compared to others I feel my words are mediocre. But all well.
People love the illusion of me.
They see adorable,
They don’t really see me.
Because if they did I’d just be another pathetic soul.
Beaten by the past.
My outer-self may draw you in, but I bring nothing but pain.
I’m forever a wounded fox, and I’m okay with that.
Attempts to show me love and butterflies
Will simply make me show my teeth.
I live by my rules and my believes.
If you think that’s a sad life,
I simply don’t give a damn.
People love the idea of me.
Some prize they wish to open.
But remember; curiosity killed the cat.
If you think that you should know me,
I’ll gladly remind you of that.
So I said the last post that I tried to do some photos but they didn’t come out. Today I tried to redeem myself and take some others for all of you. If you’ve followed me for a long time, you know I’m obsessed with socks. It’s been too hot to wear any, but today I’ve been feeling my 90′s grunge come out. (I think I’ve reverted back to my 15 year old self before I was in relationship…awkward). I don’t know how to model in the slightest, but here’s some black and white I did today of a couple outfits with thigh high socks.
That’s what I like to refer to my “work space” as. I’ve been in the process of making a little nook area for when school begins. Basically all my hobbies revolve around one area. Art, YouTube, Japanese. The wall is still a work in progress, but basically as I’m sure you’ll be able to tell, I’m filling it up with lots of inspirational type photos. (Feel free to recommend some my way!)