Why Is This About Race?

Typically I don’t write about these things. It’s too easy to be misunderstood and the last thing I want is to offend anyone. So before I start, I’m speaking as a human being.

I’ve been dying to delete my facebook again, but have waited since my best friend just finally had her baby last night and I wanted to see all the cute little baby pictures. Sadly while waiting for those all facebook has been bombarded with is ALS Ice Bucket Challenge hate and what is currently going on with police shooting young African Americans. We’ll be talking about the latter.

I have a predominately white facebook, so a lot of things I see are obviously white people feeling like they need to defend themselves or mostly just posting articles about other white people that have been killed and not publicized by the police and media. 

The fact that the American citizens are that quick to jump to a side baffles me. Shouldn’t we stick up for one another? I’m not naive enough to say that racism will ever not exist, but the first step into that direction would be to stop making everything about race! Be proud of your race whoever you are, and don’ judge others for they are, and every time something negative happens, stop blaming it on your race.

The point of this current situation shouldn’t be a battle to show off how many people of one race have been killed, and should be why is this happening in the first place to anyone? Why do police have the right to murder an innocent person so easily? Why aren’t there stricter rules?

I believe police serve a huge importance, but unfortunately there are some police who you could say are ‘bad cops’ or ‘dirty/corrupted.’ And yeah, maybe some of these shootings really are a complete accident. But for anyone to ever be able to pull a gun and shoot at someone without being threatened first, that’s just beyond me. You know how many times I would have accidentally murdered a friend or family in the night just because I was afraid they were a burglar? First instinct for an officer of the law should never be to reach and shoot.

It shouldn’t be allowed in the first place. If an officer shoots a citizen and there’s no proof that citizen had a gun and was a threat, I believe that officer deserves consequences. I had always thought officers weren’t allowed to shoot unless they were shot at first, but I guess I was wrong.

I don’t know why citizens aren’t concerned about that. Why aren’t they fighting to change the problem instead of creating a bigger unnecessary one? I thought we understood the color of ones skin doesn’t change the fact that we all live in this world¬† together? But I guess I really am just that naive.

I’m sorry if this in any way offends anyone. I believe you can only judge a person on what is in inside, so it is not my intention to offend any one based on their race.

Through My Eyes

Hey everyone! I thought you guys might be interested in this video since you typically enjoyed my nature pictures and photos in general. Often I hate making vlogs, but I love filming. I just feel like I’m not going to say anything interesting or I’m not doing anything excited. So I tried a new vlogging experience today, kind of focusing on the way I picture things when I’m feeling at peace. I look at things like a beautiful moving photograph, and tried to capture that in this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61LHTbpLNI4

Brighter Days?

I wish I could go to therapy once every two weeks. It’s amazing how just talking things out can clear your mind so much. (Well…I suppose that’s why I should make friends.)

I had therapy yesterday, since as you guys can tell, I was kind of in a pickle. I felt like something in me was going to break, and I never want to be where I was a year ago, struggling just to go on.

Talking in therapy yesterday made me realise I don’t give myself enough credit. I really have come such a long way in just this past year when it comes to my own emotional strength. Yeah, I’m hurting pretty bad… but at least I’m feeling. Typically in situations like these I shut everything down. Then in another year or so I would have just exploded after repressing the rest of the challenges I’m sure I’ll face. But I’ve been trying to cope to the best I know how right now. And I should be proud of that.

I even chatted with Shad about how we need to lighten up our living situation so it’s not so suffocating and suggested ways to do so. It’s still hard seeing him every day, and I don’t think it’ll ever get easy, and honestly will just make the moment we actually walk our separate ways harder, but there has been big improvement at least today. He’s been very considerate of the stuff we’ve encountered today. So that is a huge relief. I’m still on edge, but I’m trying to also remember not to take everything so personally.

I have to keep reminding myself, ‘All I can do is clear my head and keep moving forward.’ Despite my heart hurting, and I guess my pride, there is so much I’m looking forward to. There is so much I want to gain, and I’m hoping soon the pain won’t be so bad and I’ll be heading towards brighter days. I’m starting to feel that if I truly work hard and believe in myself, this could be a year that changes my life.

Stay tuned?

<33

Sorry… Girl Rant

I will possibly delete this, but currently I need a place to store the anger. It’s been a rough week for me. Super stress/anxiety/life. And it’s probably because I keep all of these emotions inside for the most part. I’ve been feeling extremely alone. I have no one left in this sad little city anymore. I’m hoping to change that once school begins and step out of myself and try and experience friendships, but I have two weeks of ‘lonely torture’ so please stick with me! ‘This too shall pass’. :)

On the good days I will still say he is my best friend and I’m glad we can live together and get along. But today isn’t one of those days. This week hasn’t been one of those weeks. And I wish it was next year and I was accepted to Japan and I could be a whole world away from him.

It’s weird… when I’m hurting, for some reason it makes me feel better if the person that hurt me does something with their life. Like…they proved that I was simply a burden. That letting me go really did improve their life. Maybe because my whole life the ones I love have always left. That’s just what I always believe now. Everyone’s life is better with out me. I’m just a soul that drifts past and fixes their rough patch, and then I am no longer needed.

But he’s not doing anything. He’s all talk. As always. The past couple months I was led to believe I was holding him back. I was stopping him from accomplishing his dreams. When he left me it was almost a relief. Like I didn’t have to feel bad for holding him back anymore. But now I just feel used and lied to. Because the real reason I was left was for him to enjoy every night out with friends and girls, drinking and doing whatever happens to be at the party.

My bad for ever keeping him from such a life.

I don’t like to feel hatred. It’s such an awful emotion and you can literally feel it sap every amount of energy out of your body. I don’t want to feel that anger. I don’t want to hate someone I thought I was going to be with forever. It only makes the past six years feel like a waste. That’s what it feels like. I wasted so much and lost so much of myself for yet another person that doesn’t care.

The remainder of this year I want to prove to myself that I don’t need anyone. But in a healthy way. I want to reach out and try to hope I’ll make friends that actually care about me. I don’t mean literally stick to myself. It’s what I tend to do, but I want to proven wrong about friendships since I was proven right in love.

Attacking Thoughts

I want to love you like I did before… Will that ever happen again? Who fucked all this up? Was it me? Was it you? I believe it was you.

Does it matter? Can I get over this? It’s for the best… That’s all I know.

But it hurts so much. It hurts watching you act like nothing’s wrong. It hurts watching you drink and party your nights away. It hurts hearing girls names cross your lips. It hurts knowing soon you’ll be far away.

I’m so torn between hating you and hoping things work out. I don’t want to be your victim anymore. Every few years it’s the same. Will you always be this way? Was our relationship always just a game? You know I like to suffer… Is this another test? I won’t give in… I won’t give in…

I see you in your cluttered room across the hall and wonder how it became this way. Two separate paths… Next year I may be on the other side of the world. Will I still be holding onto this? Will I lose myself to loneliness?

Because all I feel is constant emptiness. I really am alone. This usually doesn’t bother me… But despite everything, you made me fool whole. I think that forever I’ll hate men because they don’t think before they fall. I gave you so much warning, but men just like that challenge. I’m not something that can be conquered or forgotten. I bring so much joy. But I hold too much sadness for anyone to be more than a friend.

I always though that’s how I would live my life… Maybe I’ve been right all along. I never listen to myself enough. I have to keep telling myself I’m strong.

I’m doing better than I thought I would… But I can’t lie and say every inch of me doesn’t hurt.