“And have you acted on these feelings?”
“I see… how do you feel about it?”
“I mean, I normally don’t care. Normally it’s fun. I do it, and then I feel better for awhile. It’s controlled. But now it’s controlling me it seems. I just want to keep going. Before it had order. It was very neat and OCD like. But now I don’t care. I act how I’m feeling inside and I just want to keep going.”
“What’s it do for you?”
“It makes me smile. It’s not that I want to hurt or anything. It’s just… interesting. I like to watch it. I just lay there and watch. It entertains me. I always feel like a bad person… My search for entertainment makes me feel like… I don’t deserve others company. Like they are too good for me. People don’t deserve to be in the presence of me because I ruin everything. And if I don’t ruin it, they turn out to be shit first. So I just do things for entertainment.”
Yesterday I went against all I normally do. Typically the weekends are for locking away from the world these days. But yesterday I was invited to go to a haunted house with two girls from my class and a few of the Japanese exchange students. Normally I would never go to a haunted house. I’m easily frightened and I was worried what if I have a panic attack? But I had a very amazing time. I’m becoming happy knowing that most times when I take risks good things come from it.
Then around midnight I was invited out to a party. I mostly wanted to stay home because I didn’t really know anyone at the party very well and felt I would just sit alone and leave after ten minutes in awkwardness. But I decided to push myself again and asked the two girls from class to join me.
I had the most fun last night that I’ve had in awhile. It wasn’t awkward at all! Everyone was very nice and though I can’t be sure everyone remembers everything, I got to talk to many new people. I lived across from campus however and was far too wavy to walk home. So next thing I knew it was 5 a.m. A soccer ball rolled across the floor and I disappeared into the couch.
Don’t worry, this isn’t a scary party story. However, waking up this morning was weird because though I slept alone and didn’t make any risky choices last night, it was the first time I’ve really been out and social since Shad broke up with me. I still worry a lot about his feelings even though I don’t want to be with him now. So as I over think everything, I still felt bad for sleeping over at a boys house. But they do have a nice girl roommate so I guess it’s not that bad.^^
Today as I said I’ve just been thinking… I’ll admit I’ve had some feelings of shame just because I’m worried parties result in fake friends. My first year here as I’ve mentioned before, the friends I partied with made up rumours about me and them. I will admit to myself that I’m a playful drunk. But things like kissing/sex are not me. To be honest, I’m not really interested in those things at all for myself. But I think it’s easy to be taken the wrong way.
But, I’ll hope that these people are different. I’m trying to understand that some people just suck. It doesn’t mean they all have to. I don’t want to take every shitty person I run into too personally. And I don’t want to be scared to meet people in fear that they’ll be a shitty person. I’ve missed out on a lot I think the past couple of years thinking that way.
I keep rubbing my eyes.
They keep closing.
But they won’t stop opening.
Why won’t they just stay fucking closed?
The world is silent around me.
But my mind screams way too loud.
Which one do I listen to?
I nod off.
Why do I have to categorize myself?
Why do I have to have a definition?
Why am I this person?
Why can’t I just ignore the world as everyone else does?
I just want to smile aimlessly.
Feel stupid for trusting everyone I meet.
I’m tired of thinking.
I knew it.
I’m tired of knowing that this is just a phase.
I’ll be back to ‘normal’ in a week or two.
I’ll smile and laugh.
And no one will ever know I was sad at all.
Even I’ll forget.
Until the next time.
Until my eyes won’t close again.
Lately as I’ve mentioned my anxiety has been miserable. I’ve been doing well about fighting off panic attacks, but it wears me down a lot. I’m constantly tired and having to fight off negative emotions. It sucks because everything is going well, it’s just the way my head works.
Because of past experiences, I’m a paranoid person about other people. I’m meeting so many nice people this year, but there is always a bit of me that believes they will turn out bad. I find myself wanting to draw away. It’s hard to fight off that natural feeling. But I’m doing my best.
Also my anxiety wants to stop me from involving myself in things. Today we had a dinner event and my anxiety was awful. I worried the food I made would suck, no one would talk to me, what if I had a panic attack there? But I pushed through and had a good time and met more nice people. I’ve even made a language partner! But the minute I got into my car my body just shut down.
I don’t like being so exhausted. I wish I was a person that loved to have attention and many friends and could just have fun all of the time. But it all wears me down so much and I have to constantly fight myself.
I’m not trying to be a baby about it. I think all of this fighting is a good thing. I can tell I’ve grown a lot. And I want to continue that growth. Even though it is emotionally tiring for me, I see all of the positives that come from taking risks like this, and I want to keep pushing forward for the life that I want.
I think if I can do that, even I do get hurt sometimes, this could be a very rewarding year.
It’s a lot easier to switch between Japanese and English on my Mac, which is a relief. I’ve had my Mac for two months now and I still don’t know how to work it. ^^ It runs horribly with my home internet so I don’t get to use it unless I’m on campus. But hey, it’s for school use anyway right?
This week has been full of exams/quizzes. Every single day has had a test of some sort! But now all the exams are over for now! Relief. I just finished a Culture exam about an hour or so ago. I got to study with some new friends last night, and that was really fun.
I am meeting a lot of very nice people lately. And actually stepping out of my comfort zone. I approached others to study! I feel so lame admitting my little self victories, but for someone like me who is so shy at talking with others, I think it’s okay to be happy.
I’ve probably mentioned it before, but I really can’t get over the complete difference in my college experience between studying what I thought others would be impressed by to studying what I really want. Before it seemed that every person I met wasn’t someone I could be friends with. I didn’t care to get to know them. But now studying Japanese, everyone seems so interesting.
I guess maybe most people who are interested in other countries are interesting anyway. There is just a different vibe to them. I especially love the exchange students. I hope that I will try to talk to them more. A lot of them are quiet and not so talkative like I am. You have to keep the conversation going, and that’s what people typically have to do for me, so I’m not used to initiating yet. But some of them love talking, and I love learning about what they like and find odd about American culture. One boy wrote on Facebook how he went to a tail gate party and couldn’t believe the kids party like the ones he’s seen on TV shows. He danced in public for the first time he said! It’s crazy to think how different places can be. When I learn these things, I wonder if when I go to Japan I might be even more weird than I feel here because I often dance a little randomly^^
I’m working really hard to get to Japan next year. I hope the work pays off. I’m really scared and nervous and doubtful some days that I won’t make it, or also that if I do, I won’t be strong enough in Japan. But I hope through out this year I will grow a lot. I feel I’ve learned a lot so far in just these two months. I struggle with many things still in my anxiety, but I think I’m doing a good job at not letting it hold me back from the things I really want. I’m constantly trying to challenge myself. I need to remember that effort on my down days.
But I am off to my next class of the day!
I don’t believe this is something I’ve talked about before, but I’m in a pickle now.
I’ve always been a person who has found it easier to be one of the boys. I have a boyish sarcastic sense of humour. Maybe it’s because my mom had a humour like that and I was mostly raised by my dad. Regardless, boys have always been more fun to be around for me. They don’t typically gossip about pointless things, they don’t worry about their make-up or take ten hours to get dressed up (usually). And it’s just more care free.
However, since coming to college I’ve done my best to steer clear of boys. My Freshman year I got into trouble having all guy friends. I had thought that I made good friends until I realised they were all either saying that I wanted to sleep with them or had slept with them. With a boyfriend at that time rumours like that are not something I needed so I cut ties with all of them. And since then I haven’t tried to make friends with boys or girls. It’s hard for me to trust people. Especially when I don’t know their intentions.
However, now I’m a single lass. Hooking up and dating are the very last, and I mean the deepest pit of the galaxy last, thing on my mind. No desires at all. But I am a girl, and boy company is nice. But whenever a guy tries to become a friend to me I instantly want to push them away. It feels wrong talking to them. Like they’re just going to turn out to be an ass. Or they are simply trying to befriend me for one reason only.
Of course I’m not saying all guys are like that. I know they aren’t. But in my experience so far in college that has been my case, so it’s all I know and what my gut sticks to. It kind of feels stupid to admit to others… But I felt like getting if off my chest.
I said I’d do a double month Picture Post, but… I have a photo obsession right now and that would be too much. Here’s some photos!
The day the clouds looked like mountains.
I have a shadow/boot obsession currently…
Sunshine through the leaves. This place helped me a lot last Autumn when my anxiety was bad.
Change in colors.
Shadows and boots.
I got drunk and made a gluten free fruit pizza.
I had a panic attack during class and lucky for me it was raining so I could cool down.
Morning treats and Autumn sunshine.
American Horror Story was coming back, so I took a trip to the local asylum.
I was just proud of myself for this pretty gem.
Return of my favorite tights^^
Autumn is taking over.